Guaranteed ways to capture the heart of the one you love*, from Bill Zam.
*or get yourself killed
With Valentine’s Day approaching, love is in the air, and depending on what circles you frequent, also in the hallway to the bathroom at the club. But since I love you (in the way that, say, my son loves Xbox360), I want to help you have the best Valentine’s Day ever. That’s why I’ve listed several tips to help you play cupid and capture the heart of your one true love.
Just Plain Cupid
History.com says that there were several possible Saint Valentines (none of whom was named Bobby), so St. Val is not exactly as recognizable a figure as Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny or the Arbor Day Armadillo. [What do you mean, ‘What armadillo?’ How do you celebrate Arbor Day at your house, weirdo?]
However, Cupid, The God of Desire, is an indelible image for the holiday, and if you want to get creative, try actually playing Cupid by dressing up. First things first: don’t use real arrows. I found this out the hard way, and in retrospect the compound bow was really overdoing it.
Pro tip: Guys: more toga, less back hair. Girls: less toga, less back hair.
Know Your History and Herstory
Impress the person of your dreams with a little Valentine’s Day trivia, like this gem: “’V-J Day,’ as it is sometimes known, began in 1945 when sailors began romantically kissing nurses in Times Square.”
Or instead of the preceding historical fact, which I made up, you could use this actual statement from history.com: “The boys then sliced the goat’s hide into strips, dipped them in the sacrificial blood and took to the streets, gently slapping both women and fields of crops with the goathide strips.” I guess chivalry really is dead! When was the last time you saw a guy even open the car door for his girlfriend, never mind thrash her with a blood-marinated goat strip? For shame, gentlemen!
Pro tip: If she’s a vegetarian – or a human with even the most basic dignity – use tofu-hide strips.
You’re a Card
Any adult can send a maudlin, four-page foldout card tearfully expressing Hallmark’s deepest feelings. Instead, try being cute by sending those little valentines you used to give in first grade. You could even make it yourself. You know, “Can I STEEL your heart?” with a picture of Iron Man on it. It’s whimsical and might bring your loved one back to a more innocent time.
Note: if you are actually sending the valentine to a first grader, I’d like you to meet Chris Hansen. Put down that sixer of wine coolers, you sick bastard. 141 million cards are exchanged annually, though, so if you want to be truly different, don’t send a card at all. In fact, don’t get her anything! She’ll appreciate you for being unique!
Pro tip: Wear a cup, just in case.
Blow Me A Kiss
One creative approach that I actually used once was to carve a “greeting card” with heart, arrow and message into my driveway with a snow blower. When she awoke and looked out the second floor window, she swooned as she saw the adorable mess I had made, and we enjoyed a romantic morning. Meanwhile, the snow turned to sleet and iced over my creation, so we “enjoyed” tripping over the frozen tracks getting the mail or risking a popped car tire straight through March until it melted. Nice work, Casanova!
Pro tip: if you live in a climate without snow, just draw the card with gasoline, then light it. I’m sure it’s probably completely safe. I would, however, recommend drawing the heart from the outside.
The Joy of … Cooking
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.” A brilliant philosopher – or an atrocious surgeon – once said this, and it’s true. But ladies, don’t limit yourselves to baking sweets. This is the perfect time to buy your man several pounds of the best aphrodisiac sushi and oysters money can buy. Oh, your man doesn’t eat raw seafood and now all of it is going to waste? I feel terrible. Coincidentally, though, I am in the neighborhood with a large cooler of ice.
Pro tip: If you’re going to spice things up in the bedroom with erotic foods, avoid the goat strips.
Wherefore Ask Wherefore?
In the old days, troubadours would serenade their loved ones by singing to them from outside their balconies and strumming a lute. You should totally do this. So what if she lives on the 15th floor of a downtown apartment building? Have some romantic flair! Just wear some suction gloves and make sure you pick the right window, so that your true romantic offering does not turn into a temporary restraining order.
Pro tip: Wear a lute if you don’t want to contract troubadours.
No Time for Love, Dr. Jones!
If all else fails, you could go the Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom route and pluck the still-beating heart from the chest of the object of your affection. Believe it or not, though, this is generally frowned upon, and sort of defeats the purpose. Plus you’ll need a diamond mine and an army of hypnotized slaves for the ceremony.
Pro tip: If you still decide to pursue this approach, best to avoid rickety rope bridges, Mola Ram.
My son used to call it “Valentimes,” and I think he may have subconsciously realized that success is all about preparation and watching the clock. For a magical Valentine’s Day gift, do all of the legwork well in advance. If you give yourself several weeks to shop, craft and create, you won’t be caught out at the last second. So make sure you don’t waste any of that precious time watching TV or writing … corny … articles. Excuse me, gotta run!
 His friends call him Jean Valjean.
 Speaking of Santa, what the Hell, reindeer Cupid? Rudolph upstaged you so you try to get publicity at two holidays? Who do you think you are, Jesus?
 Please tell me I don’t really need this footnote to assure you I’m kidding. This is a joke. Do not do this, Human Torch.