billzam.com is now zamblings.com.

Upgrading my website from its current state to a more interactive, friendlier format was my New Year’s resolution.

In 2007.

After five years of procrastination, I’m proud to say that although my New Year’s resolution may still be 72 dpi, it’s at a new location. I’ve finally buckled down, pulled myself up by the bootstraps and tied the new site up in a bow.

Actually that’s a lie. It wasn’t shoe-analogy-go-getter-ness so much as carelessness. In a bit of irony after my November article about Apple software upgrades, I upgraded my Apple software and accidentally made my web-publishing applications for the old site obsolete. This forced me to start using the new site. Um…Ta daaa?

While I could have reversed the upgrade, or anted up the grand it would have taken to buy compatible software, I simply took it as a final kick in the ass. In 2006, when I launched billzam.com, my online presence was a relatively rare thing at the time for a hack humorist. That was before newborns were issued blogs with their birth certificates and Facebook accounts. Now, the technology is much easier to come by. So, in addition to my operating system upgrade, I’m movin’ on up to a slightly more deluxe apartment in the cloud.

But this article isn’t about me! It’s about what the new site means for YOU! [Editor’s note: he’s lying again.] So let’s see what old favorites and fantastic new options are available, shall we? Wait, why is everybody running away? Without further ado, I give you, www.zamblings.com!

Well, I don’t give it to you. That would defeat the purpose of me leasing the domain name. Plus, your name isn’t even Zam… [Editor’s note: get on with it before I change my mind about letting you continue this self-serving article.]

Zamblings Uncut
If you’re itching – or bitching – to have gratuitous profanity sprinkled throughout your newspaper, this section is for you. Zamblings Uncut is what my columns look like before my editor washes my mouth out with soap. They’re slightly longer and more offensive than the print edition, usually with a healthy dose of tasteful author nudity. Lucky for you, I’m kidding. They’re rarely naughtier than PG-13.

Zamblog
With the Zamblog section, idiotic ramblings are available in Fun Size! (I borrowed the “Fun Size” euphemism from candy companies’ attempts to make people think less is more. Hopefully you’ll fall for it too.) Like your wife assures you, sometimes smaller is better! The Zamblog includes shorter bursts of humor and a few specialized subcategories, like journaliZam, where I break the breaking news alerts by mocking headlines, and neologiZams, where I coin new words, expressions or definitions. There’s no need to keep track of the different sub-categories, because I’ll keep every variety of bad joke flowing along the left side of the page in one continuous stream. It’ll be like being waterboarded right at your keyboard!

Multimedia
In addition to the marginally better graphics and revised color scheme – NOW WITH 70% MORE BURGUNDY! – the new site makes it easier for me to share pictures, audio and video files. So instead of describing a commercial I saw, I can embed the clip right in the post, giving you instant enjoyment, and me the fast-track to prison for copyright infringement. As I mentioned, the site is new, so please let me know if anything is malfunctioning besides my sense of humor.

Comments
Join the fray! Not the band The Fray; they already have four members, and for the last time they do not need a keytar player. Leave a comment or start a discussion on any post on the website. “Are you not entertained?” You can tell me that, too. My first goal is always to make you laugh, but if any of my writing strikes the wrong nerve, let me know, and I won’t even tell Smithers to release the hounds. In case you can’t tell from this paragraph, I love pop culture references and I especially welcome those.

Ads
Who out there can honestly say that they get enough online advertising? What? Every single one of you can honestly say that? Unfortunately a bit of ad space may be a necessary evil, but let’s just pretend I didn’t mention it at all. I promise I will never CLICK HERE TO READ ONE MOTHER’S PERFECT HOME REMEDY FOR TEETH WHITENING mention it again.

Social Networking
While we’re talking about promotion, please allow me to speak to you briefly about the issue of needy snarkographers in our country. You’re probably already aware that if you don’t send this article to 10 people within the hour, you will not be eligible for The Rapture. What you may not know is that columnists like myself spend 20 percent of the time patting ourselves on the back for a good piece, and the other 90 percent mentally abusing ourselves about how nobody likes us. (We spend zero percent of time on math.) To help reduce this crippling affliction, the new site has buttons for sharing Zamblings content with your friends on Twitter, Facebook and several other social networks that may not even exist. You can also subscribe to (or unsubscribe from) my free monthly Zamogram newsletter, follow me on Twitter or “Like” the new Zamblings Facebook page.

It doesn’t make any difference to me whether you click the buttons, but they’re there. I mean, whatever, it’s up to you. So what if even my wife won’t Like my Facebook page. I write for me.

Please click the buttons. I’m begging you to share my work. I’ll clean your shoes with a toothbrush. Clearly, just like the old site, the new one features absolutely no dignity.

A Very Special Episode of Zamblings
Can I be serious for a moment? I would like to thank the editors and publishers of The Chronicle for allowing me to advertise my website for years, and especially thank the readers for visiting me online. Your laughs, letters and comments are the reason I do this. Your participation lets me know when I’m entertaining or irritating, and each time you take a moment to share my drivel with similarly silly people, it makes my day. Mostly, I love to laugh as much as I love trying to make others laugh, so I encourage you to jump in and add your own two cents.