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Face/Time (Uncut)

by Bill Zam | Posted on: May 1, 2012 5:32 pm - in Zamblings Uncut

“When it’s time to change, you’ve got to rearrange”

 

March 30 was the switchover deadline for the new Facebook Timeline format. Anticipating the cacophony of complaints that accompanies every Facebook release, I used my Timeline to see what people love or hate about the new design. Here’s a sample.

There were comments that were critical and brief:

“Where is the ‘Unlike’ button for Timeline?” –Brian

There were comments that were critical and delivered on the back of an army of dead horses:

“Dear Facebook,
I feel compelled to provide you feedback on your ‘Timeline’ option. Simply put, it sucks. It is visually disturbing and creates a disjointed user experience. Perhaps most importantly, it is an INACCURATE description of what a timeline really conveys. If Steve Jobs were still alive and running your company, the lot of you would be shit-canned for this abomination on the senses. A timeline is a visual representation of time that flows chronologically from the past to the present. More importantly, one that flows along the X-axis of the screen. Since I recognize that most users’ experience will not benefit from a left-to-right scrolling paradigm, at least do not insult the Facebook community by forcing us to scroll up and down, left and right in an attempt to follow some sort of twisted chronology. If you are going to do that, call it ‘Escalators’ and NOT ‘Timeline.’
Science, bitches. Change the name or buy a textbook. Better yet, do both.” –Jay

There were comments from the middle-aged:

“I like the fact that it took me an hour to try to remember all the crap I did the last 50 years, and that my whole life is now captured in the same space as people talking about Angry Birds and what Snooki wore. Makes it more meaningful somehow.” –Tom

…and the Middle Ages:

“What new Timeline?” –Joan, senior citizen

Sorry, Mom, I know you were kidding and I know you know I’m kidding. One of my favorite comments was:

“If the movie Back to the Future had a Timeline page, where would it start?” –Bryan

Since Nike started selling these Air Mags in 2011, I guess this would work.

Not only is it funny, but it also accurately expresses how my Timeline looked after automatic conversion. According to Timeline, I was born, wore feety pajamas on Christmas morning, dressed as Superman for Halloween and drank Busch Light at a college kegger all in 2011. This is ridiculous! Anybody that knows me knows I stopped wearing feety pajamas in 2009.

As for dressing up like superheroes, it's 2012 and we're still working on that.

Obviously these anachronisms occurred because Timeline captures scanned photos according to the date you posted them, not when they were taken. For you readers who are younger than me, there was once a time when pictures had to be developed on paper and we all looked as ugly as whatever was captured in the first snap, without an infinite number of retakes and retouches. For those readers whose vocabulary is not as advanced as mine, an anachronism is the fear of spiders. You’re welcome.

The date stamps can be fixed, which is great for making your Timeline more accurate, or for doing what Facebook users do best: lie. For example, you can eliminate your Members Only jacket phase, or even your entire history with that boyfriend who is currently “In A Relationship” with his cellmate. Or, if you took a snapshot during the Cubs game on a school day, Ferris Bueller, you can simply re-date it for the nearest Saturday. Make sure there’s a day game on the home schedule first.

Here's me with my son and "the flu."

By the time I get around to changing the dates on my pictures, I’ll be deader than MySpace. I understand, however, that there was no easy way around this for Facebook, and at least they gave us the option to revise the postings from our childhood.

Speaking of the days when I actually was a child, instead of just child-ish, one thing I hated about this Facebook update was trying to find the new Privacy settings. I grew up in an age[1] where the stupid thing you just did didn’t end up on the Internet within minutes of you doing it. In fact, you had to wait for somebody to invent the Internet. At the very least, you had a little time for the gossip mill to start up, and for the story to grow into legend before finally festering into a monstrosity of an act that you may or may not have committed.

OK, maybe Rod didn't drink THAT, but he did wear THIS.

Today? Instant video evidence. God help the Millennials. A few of my friends – friends who probably have compromising photos of me somewhere – recently posted an article by Kate Conner titled Ten Things I Want to Tell Teenage Girls, which included some valuable advice about avoiding embarrassment on Facebook. I echo the advice, although the target audience almost certainly won’t take it. Like every generation before them, including mine, they will be too smart to listen and will have to make their own mistakes, albeit more publicly than we ever did.

The biggest thing about Timeline that sticks in my gut is that the feature might as well be called Waistline. Graphically, it’s a top-heavy rendering of every pound I’ve gained in my 40 years. The poor pictures at the bottom have turned from portraits to landscapes from being crushed by the pictures above. That’s about all I have to complain about so far, but we all know this won’t be the end of it. Consider this comment:

“I love thinking about a moment six months in the future (not yet on my Timeline) when I see all the people whining about Timeline today, still using Timeline.” –Bryan

I can definitely see that comment coming true. Mark Zuckerberg and friends have survived all of their customers’ outcries so far, but if they’re not careful with their dramatic changes, generations from now the following comment won’t be sarcastic:

“What’s Facebook?” –Sean

So now you know what I hate about the new Facebook Timeline. But what do I love?

“Getting my friends to write my column for me. ‘Like.’” –Bill Zam


[1] “Stone.”

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Tags: anachronism, Back to the Future, Brady Bunch, complain, complaint, critique, Facebook, Facebook redesign, Facebook Timeline, Facebook upgrade, feety pajamas, Ferris Bueller, Kate Conner, kegger, Mark Zuckerberg, Members Only, memories, Millennials, privacy, review, social network, Superman, Ten Things I Want to Tell Teenage Girls, timeline, Waistline, When It's Time to Change, whine

Face/Time

by Bill Zam | Posted on: May 1, 2012 5:30 pm - in Zamblings

“When it’s time to change, you’ve got to rearrange”

 

March 30 was the switchover deadline for the new Facebook Timeline format. Anticipating the cacophony of complaints that accompanies every Facebook release, I used my Timeline to see what people love or hate about the new design. Here’s a sample.

There were comments that were critical and brief:

“Where is the ‘Unlike’ button for Timeline?” –Brian

There were comments that were critical and delivered on the back of an army of dead horses:

“Dear Facebook, I feel compelled to provide you feedback on your ‘Timeline’ option. Simply put, it sucks. It is visually disturbing and creates a disjointed user experience. Perhaps most importantly, it is an INACCURATE description of what a timeline really conveys. A timeline is a visual representation of time that flows chronologically from the past to the present. More importantly, one that flows along the X-axis of the screen. Since I recognize that most users’ experience will not benefit from a left-to-right scrolling paradigm, at least do not insult the Facebook community by forcing us to scroll up and down, left and right in an attempt to follow some sort of twisted chronology. If you are going to do that, call it ‘Escalators’ and NOT ‘Timeline.’
Science. Change the name or buy a textbook. Better yet, do both.” –Jay

There were comments from the middle-aged:

“I like the fact that it took me an hour to try to remember all the crap I did the last 50 years, and that my whole life is now captured in the same space as people talking about Angry Birds and what Snooki wore. Makes it more meaningful somehow.” –Tom

…and the Middle Ages:

“What new Timeline?” –Joan, senior citizen

Sorry, Mom, I know you were kidding and I know you know I’m kidding. One of my favorite comments was:

“If the movie Back to the Future had a Timeline page, where would it start?” –Bryan

Since Nike started selling these Air Mags in 2011, I guess this would work.

Not only is it funny, but it also accurately expresses how my Timeline looked after automatic conversion. According to Timeline, I was born, wore feety pajamas on Christmas morning, dressed as Superman for Halloween and drank Busch Light at a college kegger all in 2011. This is ridiculous! Anybody that knows me knows I stopped wearing feety pajamas in 2009.

As for dressing up like superheroes, it's 2012 and we're still working on that.

Obviously these anachronisms occurred because Timeline captures scanned photos according to the date you posted them, not when they were taken. For you readers who are younger than me, there was once a time when pictures had to be developed on paper and we all looked as ugly as whatever was captured in the first snap, without an infinite number of retakes and retouches. For those readers whose vocabulary is not as advanced as mine, an anachronism is the fear of spiders. You’re welcome.

The date stamps can be fixed, which is great for making your Timeline more accurate, or for doing what Facebook users do best: lie. For example, you can eliminate your Members Only jacket phase, or even your entire history with that boyfriend who is currently “In A Relationship” with his cellmate. Or, if you took a snapshot during the Cubs game on a school day, Ferris Bueller, you can simply re-date it for the nearest Saturday. Make sure there’s a day game on the home schedule first.

Here's me with my son and "the flu."

By the time I get around to changing the dates on my pictures, I’ll be deader than MySpace. I understand, however, that there was no easy way around this for Facebook, and at least they gave us the option to revise the postings from our childhood.

Speaking of the days when I actually was a child, instead of just child-ish, one thing I hated about this Facebook update was trying to find the new Privacy settings. I grew up in an age [Stone] where the stupid thing you just did didn’t end up on the Internet within minutes of you doing it. In fact, you had to wait for somebody to invent the Internet. At the very least, you had a little time for the gossip mill to start up, and for the story to grow into legend before finally festering into a monstrosity of an act that you may or may not have committed.

Today? Instant video evidence. God help the Millennials. A few of my friends – friends who probably have compromising photos of me somewhere – recently posted an article by Kate Conner titled Ten Things I Want to Tell Teenage Girls, which included some valuable advice about avoiding embarrassment on Facebook. I echo the advice, although the target audience almost certainly won’t take it. Like every generation before them, including mine, they will be too smart to listen and will have to make their own mistakes, albeit more publicly than we ever did.

The biggest thing about Timeline that sticks in my gut is that the feature might as well be called Waistline. Graphically, it’s a top-heavy rendering of every pound I’ve gained in my 40 years. The poor pictures at the bottom have turned from portraits to landscapes from being crushed by the photos above. That’s about all I have to complain about so far, but we all know this won’t be the end of it. Consider this comment:

“I love thinking about a moment six months in the future (not yet on my Timeline) when I see all the people whining about Timeline today, still using Timeline.” –Bryan

I can definitely see that comment coming true. Mark Zuckerberg and friends have survived all of their customers’ outcries so far, but if they’re not careful with their dramatic changes, generations from now the following comment won’t be sarcastic:

“What’s Facebook?” –Sean

So now you know what I hate about the new Facebook Timeline. But what do I love?

“Getting my friends to write my column for me. ‘Like.’” –Bill Zam


[1] “Stone.”

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Tags: anachronism, Back to the Future, Brady Bunch, complain, complaint, critique, Facebook, Facebook redesign, Facebook Timeline, Facebook upgrade, feety pajamas, Ferris Bueller, Kate Conner, kegger, Mark Zuckerberg, Members Only, memories, Millennials, privacy, review, social network, Superman, Ten Things I Want to Tell Teenage Girls, timeline, Waistline, When It's Time to Change, whine

Memorex Memories (Uncut)

by Bill Zam | Posted on: April 1, 2011 10:21 am - in Zamblings Uncut

Mixed emotions.

I traveled a lot this year. My journey took me through America, from Boston to Chicago to Kansas to Houston. Occasionally you’d find me over the borderline as far away as Africa or Asia, or in a big country somewhere else, like down under. Once I even crossed the river Styx without paying the ferryman! All without leaving my library.

If you just had an a-ha moment, you know that I’m talk-talking about my iTunes library, which grew exponentially with 80s music as I digitized my old cassette collection. I didn’t move very far geographically – a tape ended every 30 or 45 minutes and I ran across the room to flip it – but I did go back in time.

I’m so excited to get all of this music on my computer and discard hundreds of obsolete cassette tapes. No more rewinding or using the eraser end of a pencil to spin a stubborn reel. I got my first CD player in 1988 and did a mandatory persuasive presentation in high school Speech class about it, smashing a record with a hammer and pulling the guts out of a cassette to demonstrate the comparative durability and capacity of the Compact Disc.

I mentioned my family’s earlier influence on my musical tastes in Side One of this article, but the 1980s were truly my formative years. They say that popular music is the soundtrack of our lives, but at that age – junior high especially – it seemed to be the focus of our lives, and we were loving every minute of it. Those were our glory days, when Gina worked the diner all day, a girl named Rio danced across the sand, and Nikki was everybody’s darling. There was no need to buy a copy of “Thriller” or “Every Breath You Take”; you simply needed to turn up the radio to hear those ubiquitous tunes. But if you wanted a one-hit wonder, you’d have to buy the cassette. The other option was to sit by the radio, hoping Rick Dees would give a Weekly Top 40 intro long enough for you to get to the record button of your cassette deck before “Our House”[1] or “New Girl Now” or “867-5309/Jenny” came on. If you happened to be listening to Casey Kasem, you might miss the button while reaching for the stars, or (during the Long Distance Dedication), the tissues.

A box of Kleenex was definitely in order when I got to my mix tapes. Up to this point in the digitizing, it was mostly laughter, like when I remembered that the Breakfast Club was a band as well as a movie, or when I would hear tongue-in-cheek shouts of this is my jam! from my wife in the other room for every fifth song.[2] For many, the 1980s meant MTV, new wave and rap, but to me the lasting invention of the decade was the Mix Tape.

The seriousness of a relationship in the 80s and early 90s could be judged not only by sexual consummation, but also by whether one had prepared 90 minutes of meaningful music on cassette, complete with liner notes that looked like somebody dropped an M-80 into a pack of Magic Markers. One of the romantics, I fancied myself the Jam-Master Jay of mix tapes, filling each side of the tape with carefully selected hits and serenades, interspersed with film and comedy clips. In retrospect, I would have gotten more action if I focused more on the girls and less on creating the perfect K-Tel collection, but I’m happy with how it worked out. I gave my wife a Digitally Remastered Box Set of her old mix tapes that she appreciated more than anything I could have downloaded from iTunes.

As I transferred the cassettes, many of them proved as flawed as my high school speech had demonstrated. No matter what I did with the Dolby Noise Reduction switch, Hall & Oates warbled even more than they did in the 80s, while Twisted Sister twisted to a painful death in the hungry cassette player. As these degraded physical symbols of my childhood slipped away, though, I realized that the tapes held more than analog music, and lasted a lot longer than expected, at least in my memory.

There was the road trip I took with my best friend’s family and the Eagles; the Bigger And Deffer hoops games on a youth center court in my ironically Richer and Whiter suburban town; and the mental photograph of my first slow dance, kindly engineered for us by a friend’s mother at a chaperoned co-ed house party. It was awkward, but it was heaven. And although it was 1984, it was not “Heaven,” by Bryan Adams. Inexplicably, it was Led Zeppelin’s “Stairway to Heaven,” which is slow-dance bliss until Jimmy Page takes over and you find yourself looking at your dance partner in a wide-eyed “stare way” that says, “What the hell do we do now?”

Eventually we said goodbye to the 80s, Chris-Crossing from jumping with The Pointer Sisters and Van Halen to jump-jumping with Kris Kross in the 90s. I’m not one of these guys who insists that his generation was better than those that followed. I won’t presume to know what musical memories will one day move today’s teenagers – perhaps shared iPod buds or YouTube dedications – but I will share some advice. When I first heard it, this advice was nothing more to me than a random sentence between electronic hand claps. But as I listened to the noisy tape reels wind away into oblivion this year, the message suddenly came across with digital clarity: Hold on to 16 as long as you can, changes come around real soon, make us women and men.

Read Side One of this column.

I wove more than 40 intentional 80s music references into the text of the article and ran an iTunes gift card contest for the first person to correctly identify at least 25 songs and the associated artist. The winners found even more I didn’t realize I put in. See the answers.


[1] OK, if you want to argue that “One Step Beyond” or “House of Fun” were hits #2 and #3 for Madness, you are sick with 80s nostalgia. Go sit in a padded room with Kevin Dubrow.

[2] I’m white, she’s black. If I’m being honest, it was more like every 50th.

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Tags: 1980s, 80s, 80s music, 80s music trivia, 867-5309, a-ha, Africa, america, Asia, Boston, Bryan Adams, cassette, cassette collection, cassette tape, CD, CD player, Chicago, Christopher Cross, Darling Nikki, digitize, digitizing cassettes, Dolby, Duran Duran, eats tapes, Every Breath You Take, first dance, guilty pleasures, Hall & Oates, I Love the 80s, Jack and Diane, junior high school, Kansas, L.L. Cool J, Led Zeppelin, Love is a Mix Tape, Memorex, memories, memory, mix tape, MTV, Noise Reduction, one-hit wonder, Pointer Sisters, pop, pop culture, Prince, reminisce, romantic mix tape, slow dance, soundtrack of our lives, Styx, the police, Toto, transfer cassettes, transfer cassettes to CD, twisted sister, Van Halen, whitney houston, YouTube

Memorex Memories

by Bill Zam | Posted on: April 1, 2011 10:21 am - in Zamblings

Mixed emotions.

I traveled a lot this year. My journey took me through America, from Boston to Chicago to Kansas to Houston. Occasionally you’d find me over the borderline as far away as Africa or Asia, or in a big country somewhere else, like down under. Once I even crossed the river Styx without paying the ferryman! All without leaving my library.

If you just had an a-ha moment, you know that I’m talk-talking about my iTunes library, which grew exponentially with 80s music as I digitized my old cassette collection. I didn’t move very far geographically – a tape ended every 30 or 45 minutes and I ran across the room to flip it – but I did go back in time.

I’m so excited to get all of this music on my computer and discard hundreds of obsolete cassette tapes. No more rewinding or using the eraser end of a pencil to spin a stubborn reel. I got my first CD player in 1988 and did a mandatory persuasive presentation in high school Speech class about it, smashing a record with a hammer and pulling the guts out of a cassette to demonstrate the comparative durability and capacity of the Compact Disc.

I mentioned my family’s earlier influence on my musical tastes in Side One of this article, but the 1980s were truly my formative years. They say that popular music is the soundtrack of our lives, but at that age – junior high especially – it seemed to be the focus of our lives, and we were loving every minute of it. Those were our glory days, when Gina worked the diner all day, a girl named Rio danced across the sand, and Nikki was everybody’s darling. There was no need to buy a copy of “Thriller” or “Every Breath You Take”; you simply needed to turn up the radio to hear those ubiquitous tunes. But if you wanted a one-hit wonder, you’d have to buy the cassette. The other option was to sit by the radio, hoping Rick Dees would give a Weekly Top 40 intro long enough for you to get to the record button of your cassette deck before “Our House” or “New Girl Now” or “867-5309/Jenny” came on. If you happened to be listening to Casey Kasem, you might miss the button while reaching for the stars, or (during the Long Distance Dedication), the tissues.

A box of Kleenex was definitely in order when I got to my mix tapes. Up to this point in the digitizing, it was mostly laughter, like when I remembered that the Breakfast Club was a band as well as a movie, or when I would hear tongue-in-cheek shouts of this is my jam! from my wife in the other room for every fifth song. For many, the 1980s meant MTV, new wave and rap, but to me the lasting invention of the decade was the Mix Tape.

The seriousness of a relationship in the 80s and early 90s could be judged by whether one had prepared 90 minutes of meaningful music on cassette, complete with liner notes that looked like somebody dropped an M-80 into a pack of Magic Markers. One of the romantics, I fancied myself the Jam-Master Jay of mix tapes, filling each side of the tape with carefully selected hits and serenades, interspersed with film and comedy clips. In retrospect, I would have gotten more action if I focused more on the girls and less on creating the perfect K-Tel collection, but I’m happy with how it worked out. I gave my wife a Digitally Remastered Box Set of her old mix tapes that she appreciated more than anything I could have downloaded from iTunes.

As I transferred the cassettes, many of them proved as flawed as my high school speech had demonstrated. No matter what I did with the Dolby Noise Reduction switch, Hall & Oates warbled even more than they did in the 80s, while Twisted Sister twisted to a painful death in the hungry cassette player. As these degraded physical symbols of my childhood slipped away, though, I realized that the tapes held more than analog music, and lasted a lot longer than expected, at least in my memory.

There was the road trip I took with my best friend’s family and the Eagles; the Bigger And Deffer hoops games on a youth center court in my ironically Richer and Whiter suburban town; and the mental photograph of my first slow dance, kindly engineered for us by a friend’s mother at a chaperoned co-ed house party. It was awkward, but it was heaven. And although it was 1984, it was not “Heaven,” by Bryan Adams. Inexplicably, it was Led Zeppelin’s “Stairway to Heaven,” which is slow-dance bliss until Jimmy Page takes over and you find yourself looking at your dance partner in a wide-eyed “stare way” that says, “What the hell do we do now?”

Eventually we said goodbye to the 80s, Chris-Crossing from jumping with The Pointer Sisters and Van Halen to jump-jumping with Kris Kross in the 90s. I’m not one of these guys who insists that his generation was better than those that followed. I won’t presume to know what musical memories will one day move today’s teenagers – perhaps shared iPod buds or YouTube dedications – but I will share some advice. When I first heard it, this advice was nothing more to me than a random sentence between electronic hand claps. But as I listened to the noisy tape reels wind away into oblivion this year, the message suddenly came across with digital clarity: Hold on to 16 as long as you can, changes come around real soon, make us women and men.

Read Side One of this column.

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Tags: 1980s, 80s, 80s music, 80s music trivia, 867-5309, a-ha, Africa, america, Asia, Boston, Bryan Adams, cassette, cassette collection, cassette tape, CD, CD player, Chicago, Christopher Cross, Darling Nikki, digitize, digitizing cassettes, Dolby, Duran Duran, eats tapes, Every Breath You Take, first dance, guilty pleasures, Hall & Oates, I Love the 80s, Jack and Diane, junior high school, Kansas, L.L. Cool J, Led Zeppelin, Love is a Mix Tape, Memorex, memories, memory, mix tape, MTV, Noise Reduction, one-hit wonder, Pointer Sisters, pop, pop culture, Prince, reminisce, romantic mix tape, slow dance, soundtrack of our lives, Styx, the police, Toto, transfer cassettes, transfer cassettes to CD, twisted sister, Van Halen, whitney houston, YouTube

Memorex Memories (Uncut) – with trivia answers

by Bill Zam | Posted on: April 1, 2011 10:21 am - in unpublished

Mixed emotions.

I traveled a lot this year. My journey[1] took me through America,[2] from Boston[3] to Chicago[4] to Kansas[5] to Houston.[6] Occasionally you’d find me over the borderline[7] as far away as Africa[8] or Asia,[9] or in a big country[10] somewhere else, like down under.[11] Once I even crossed the river Styx[12] without paying the ferryman![13] All without leaving my library.

If you just had an a-ha[14] moment, you know that I’m talk-talking[15] about my iTunes library, which grew exponentially with 80s music as I digitized my old cassette collection. I didn’t move very far geographically – a tape ended every 30 or 45 minutes and I ran[16] across the room to flip it[17] – but I did go back in time.[18]

I’m so excited[19] to get all of this music on my computer and discard hundreds of obsolete cassette tapes. No more rewinding or using the eraser end of a pencil to spin a stubborn reel. I got my first CD player in 1988 and did a mandatory persuasive presentation in high school Speech class about it, smashing a record with a hammer[20] and pulling the guts out of a cassette to demonstrate the comparative durability and capacity of the Compact Disc.

I mentioned my family’s earlier influence on my musical tastes in Side One of this article, but the 1980s were truly[21] my formative years. They say that popular music is the soundtrack of our lives, but at that age – junior high especially – it seemed to be the focus of our lives, and we were loving every minute of it.[22] Those were our glory days,[23] when Gina worked the diner all day[24], a girl named Rio[25] danced across the sand, and Nikki was everybody’s darling.[26] There was no need to buy a copy of “Thriller”[27] or “Every Breath You Take”[28]; you simply needed to turn up the radio[29] to hear those ubiquitous tunes. But if you wanted a one-hit wonder, you’d have to buy the cassette. The other option was to sit by the radio, hoping Rick Dees would give a Weekly Top 40 intro long enough for you to get to the record button of your cassette deck before “Our House”[30] or “New Girl Now”[31] or “867-5309/Jenny”[32] came on. If you happened to be listening to Casey Kasem, you might miss the button while reaching for the stars, or (during the Long Distance Dedication), the tissues.

A box of Kleenex was definitely in order[33] when I got to my mix tapes. Up to this point in the digitizing, it was mostly laughter, like when I remembered that the Breakfast Club[34] was a band as well as a movie, or when I would hear tongue-in-cheek shouts of this is my jam! from my wife in the other room for every fifth song.[35] For many, the 1980s meant MTV, new wave and rap, but to me the lasting invention of the decade was the Mix Tape.

The seriousness of a relationship in the 80s and early 90s could be judged not only by sexual consummation, but also by whether one had prepared 90 minutes of meaningful music on cassette, complete with liner notes that looked like somebody dropped an M-80 into a pack of Magic Markers. One of the romantics,[36] I fancied myself the Jam-Master Jay[37] of mix tapes, filling each side of the tape with carefully selected hits and serenades, interspersed with film and comedy clips. In retrospect, I would have gotten more action if I focused more on the girls and less on creating the perfect K-Tel collection, but I’m happy with how it worked out. I gave my wife a Digitally Remastered Box Set of her old mix tapes that she appreciated more than anything I could have downloaded from iTunes.

As I transferred the cassettes, many of them proved as flawed as my high school speech had demonstrated. No matter what I did with the Dolby Noise Reduction switch, Hall & Oates[38] warbled even more than they did in the 80s, while Twisted Sister twisted to a painful death in the hungry[39] cassette player. As these degraded physical[40] symbols of my childhood slipped away, though, I realized that the tapes held more than analog music, and lasted a lot longer than expected, at least in my memory.

There was the road trip I took with my best friend’s family and the Eagles[41]; the Bigger And Deffer[42] hoops games on a youth center court in my ironically Richer and Whiter suburban town; and the mental photograph[43] of my first slow dance, kindly engineered for us by a friend’s mother at a chaperoned co-ed house party. It was awkward, but it was heaven. And although it was 1984, it was not “Heaven,” by Bryan Adams. Inexplicably, it was Led Zeppelin’s “Stairway to Heaven,” which is slow-dance bliss until Jimmy Page takes over and you find yourself looking at your dance partner in a wide-eyed “stare way” that says, “What the hell do we do now?”

Eventually we said goodbye to the 80s, Chris-Crossing[44] from jumping with The Pointer Sisters[45] and Van Halen[46] to jump-jumping with Kris Kross in the 90s. I’m not one of these guys who insists that his generation was better than those that followed. I won’t presume to know what musical memories will one day move today’s teenagers – perhaps shared iPod buds or YouTube dedications – but I will share some advice. When I first heard it, this advice was nothing more to me than a random sentence between electronic hand claps. But as I listened to the noisy tape reels wind away into oblivion this year, the message suddenly came across with digital clarity: Hold on to 16 as long as you can, changes come around real soon, make us women and men.[47]

 


[1] Journey, formed 1973

[2] America, formed 1970

[3] Boston, formed 1976

[4] Chicago, formed 1967

[5] Kansas, formed 1970

[6] Whitney Houston performed professionally as early as 1977 before “having it all” in the 80s.

[7] Madonna, 1984

[8] Toto, 1982, or the South Bronx if you spell it “Afrika”

[9] Asia, formed 1981

[10] Big Country, “In a Big Country,” 1983

[11] Men At Work, “Down Under,” 1981

[12] Styx, formed 1970

[13] Chris de Burgh, “Don’t Pay the Ferryman,” 1982

[14] a-ha, formed 1982

[15] Talk Talk, formed 1981

[16] A Flock of Seagulls, 1982

[17] While Bell Biv Devoe’s Poison wasn’t released until 1990 and this “Do Me” reference was accidental, I’ll give you credit since it was actually in the box of cassettes!

[18] Huey Lewis and the News, 1985

[19] Pointer Sisters, 1982

[20] Technically M.C. Hammer until 1991

[21] Lionel Richie, “Truly,” 1982

[22] Loverboy, 1985

[23] Bruce Springsteen, 1984

[24] “Living on a Prayer,” Bon Jovi, 1986

[25] Duran Duran, 1982

[26] “Darling Nikki,” Prince, 1984

[27] Michael Jackson, 1982

[28] The Police, 1983

[29] Autograph, 1984

[30] OK, if you want to argue that “One Step Beyond” or “House of Fun” were hits #2 and #3 for Madness, you are sick with 80s nostalgia. Go sit in a padded room with Kevin Dubrow.

[31] Honeymoon Suite, 1981

[32] Tommy Tutone, 1982

[33] Hair band Kleenex released their debut album, “Definitely in Order,” in 1987.

[34] New wave band Breakfast Club released “Right On Track” in 1987, and if you believe Wikipedia, they actually once counted Madonna as a member – on drums!

[35] I’m white, she’s black. If I’m being honest, it was more like every 50th.

[36] The Romantics, formed in 1977, are most famous for “What I Like About You.”

[37] Jason Mizell (1965-2002), was the DJ of Run-D.M.C.

[38] Daryl Hall and John Oates first paired up in 1969.

[39] Twister Sister formed in 1972 and released Stay Hungry in 1984.

[40] Olivia Newton-John, 1981

[41] Although it seemed like I was runnin’ down the road with Don Henley and company a lot in that decade, the Eagles actually didn’t release a studio album in the 1980s.

[42] L.L. Cool J, BAD, 1987

[43] Def Leppard, 1983

[44] Christopher Cross’ most famous 80s hits were “Sailing,” “Ride Like the Wind” and “Arthur’s Theme.”

[45] “Jump (For My Love),” 1983

[46] “Jump,” 1984

[47] “Jack and Diane,” John Cougar, 1982

Read Side One of this column.

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Tags: 1980s, 80s, 80s music, 80s music trivia, 867-5309, a-ha, Africa, america, Asia, Boston, Bryan Adams, cassette, cassette collection, cassette tape, CD, CD player, Chicago, Christopher Cross, Darling Nikki, digitize, digitizing cassettes, Dolby, Duran Duran, eats tapes, Every Breath You Take, first dance, guilty pleasures, Hall & Oates, I Love the 80s, Jack and Diane, junior high school, Kansas, L.L. Cool J, Led Zeppelin, Love is a Mix Tape, Memorex, memories, memory, mix tape, MTV, Noise Reduction, one-hit wonder, Pointer Sisters, pop, pop culture, Prince, reminisce, romantic mix tape, slow dance, soundtrack of our lives, Styx, the police, Toto, transfer cassettes, transfer cassettes to CD, twisted sister, Van Halen, whitney houston, YouTube

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