If my math is correct, I now have a controlling interest in Facebook!*
*My math is never correct and I think “IPO” is a boxing league.
Face/Time (Uncut)
by Bill Zam | Posted on: May 1, 2012 5:32 pm - in Zamblings Uncut
“When it’s time to change, you’ve got to rearrange”
March 30 was the switchover deadline for the new Facebook Timeline format. Anticipating the cacophony of complaints that accompanies every Facebook release, I used my Timeline to see what people love or hate about the new design. Here’s a sample.
There were comments that were critical and brief:
“Where is the ‘Unlike’ button for Timeline?” –BrianThere were comments that were critical and delivered on the back of an army of dead horses:
“Dear Facebook, I feel compelled to provide you feedback on your ‘Timeline’ option. Simply put, it sucks. It is visually disturbing and creates a disjointed user experience. Perhaps most importantly, it is an INACCURATE description of what a timeline really conveys. If Steve Jobs were still alive and running your company, the lot of you would be shit-canned for this abomination on the senses. A timeline is a visual representation of time that flows chronologically from the past to the present. More importantly, one that flows along the X-axis of the screen. Since I recognize that most users’ experience will not benefit from a left-to-right scrolling paradigm, at least do not insult the Facebook community by forcing us to scroll up and down, left and right in an attempt to follow some sort of twisted chronology. If you are going to do that, call it ‘Escalators’ and NOT ‘Timeline.’ Science, bitches. Change the name or buy a textbook. Better yet, do both.” –JayThere were comments from the middle-aged:
“I like the fact that it took me an hour to try to remember all the crap I did the last 50 years, and that my whole life is now captured in the same space as people talking about Angry Birds and what Snooki wore. Makes it more meaningful somehow.” –Tom…and the Middle Ages:
“What new Timeline?” –Joan, senior citizenSorry, Mom, I know you were kidding and I know you know I’m kidding. One of my favorite comments was:
“If the movie Back to the Future had a Timeline page, where would it start?” –BryanSince Nike started selling these Air Mags in 2011, I guess this would work.
Not only is it funny, but it also accurately expresses how my Timeline looked after automatic conversion. According to Timeline, I was born, wore feety pajamas on Christmas morning, dressed as Superman for Halloween and drank Busch Light at a college kegger all in 2011. This is ridiculous! Anybody that knows me knows I stopped wearing feety pajamas in 2009.
As for dressing up like superheroes, it's 2012 and we're still working on that.
Obviously these anachronisms occurred because Timeline captures scanned photos according to the date you posted them, not when they were taken. For you readers who are younger than me, there was once a time when pictures had to be developed on paper and we all looked as ugly as whatever was captured in the first snap, without an infinite number of retakes and retouches. For those readers whose vocabulary is not as advanced as mine, an anachronism is the fear of spiders. You’re welcome.
The date stamps can be fixed, which is great for making your Timeline more accurate, or for doing what Facebook users do best: lie. For example, you can eliminate your Members Only jacket phase, or even your entire history with that boyfriend who is currently “In A Relationship” with his cellmate. Or, if you took a snapshot during the Cubs game on a school day, Ferris Bueller, you can simply re-date it for the nearest Saturday. Make sure there’s a day game on the home schedule first.
Here's me with my son and "the flu."
By the time I get around to changing the dates on my pictures, I’ll be deader than MySpace. I understand, however, that there was no easy way around this for Facebook, and at least they gave us the option to revise the postings from our childhood.
Speaking of the days when I actually was a child, instead of just child-ish, one thing I hated about this Facebook update was trying to find the new Privacy settings. I grew up in an age[1] where the stupid thing you just did didn’t end up on the Internet within minutes of you doing it. In fact, you had to wait for somebody to invent the Internet. At the very least, you had a little time for the gossip mill to start up, and for the story to grow into legend before finally festering into a monstrosity of an act that you may or may not have committed.
OK, maybe Rod didn't drink THAT, but he did wear THIS.
Today? Instant video evidence. God help the Millennials. A few of my friends – friends who probably have compromising photos of me somewhere – recently posted an article by Kate Conner titled Ten Things I Want to Tell Teenage Girls, which included some valuable advice about avoiding embarrassment on Facebook. I echo the advice, although the target audience almost certainly won’t take it. Like every generation before them, including mine, they will be too smart to listen and will have to make their own mistakes, albeit more publicly than we ever did.
The biggest thing about Timeline that sticks in my gut is that the feature might as well be called Waistline. Graphically, it’s a top-heavy rendering of every pound I’ve gained in my 40 years. The poor pictures at the bottom have turned from portraits to landscapes from being crushed by the pictures above. That’s about all I have to complain about so far, but we all know this won’t be the end of it. Consider this comment:
“I love thinking about a moment six months in the future (not yet on my Timeline) when I see all the people whining about Timeline today, still using Timeline.” –BryanI can definitely see that comment coming true. Mark Zuckerberg and friends have survived all of their customers’ outcries so far, but if they’re not careful with their dramatic changes, generations from now the following comment won’t be sarcastic:
“What’s Facebook?” –SeanSo now you know what I hate about the new Facebook Timeline. But what do I love?
“Getting my friends to write my column for me. ‘Like.’” –Bill Zam
[1] “Stone.”
Tags: anachronism, Back to the Future, Brady Bunch, complain, complaint, critique, Facebook, Facebook redesign, Facebook Timeline, Facebook upgrade, feety pajamas, Ferris Bueller, Kate Conner, kegger, Mark Zuckerberg, Members Only, memories, Millennials, privacy, review, social network, Superman, Ten Things I Want to Tell Teenage Girls, timeline, Waistline, When It's Time to Change, whine
“When it’s time to change, you’ve got to rearrange”
March 30 was the switchover deadline for the new Facebook Timeline format. Anticipating the cacophony of complaints that accompanies every Facebook release, I used my Timeline to see what people love or hate about the new design. Here’s a sample.
There were comments that were critical and brief:
“Where is the ‘Unlike’ button for Timeline?” –BrianThere were comments that were critical and delivered on the back of an army of dead horses:
“Dear Facebook, I feel compelled to provide you feedback on your ‘Timeline’ option. Simply put, it sucks. It is visually disturbing and creates a disjointed user experience. Perhaps most importantly, it is an INACCURATE description of what a timeline really conveys. A timeline is a visual representation of time that flows chronologically from the past to the present. More importantly, one that flows along the X-axis of the screen. Since I recognize that most users’ experience will not benefit from a left-to-right scrolling paradigm, at least do not insult the Facebook community by forcing us to scroll up and down, left and right in an attempt to follow some sort of twisted chronology. If you are going to do that, call it ‘Escalators’ and NOT ‘Timeline.’ Science. Change the name or buy a textbook. Better yet, do both.” –JayThere were comments from the middle-aged:
“I like the fact that it took me an hour to try to remember all the crap I did the last 50 years, and that my whole life is now captured in the same space as people talking about Angry Birds and what Snooki wore. Makes it more meaningful somehow.” –Tom…and the Middle Ages:
“What new Timeline?” –Joan, senior citizenSorry, Mom, I know you were kidding and I know you know I’m kidding. One of my favorite comments was:
“If the movie Back to the Future had a Timeline page, where would it start?” –BryanSince Nike started selling these Air Mags in 2011, I guess this would work.
Not only is it funny, but it also accurately expresses how my Timeline looked after automatic conversion. According to Timeline, I was born, wore feety pajamas on Christmas morning, dressed as Superman for Halloween and drank Busch Light at a college kegger all in 2011. This is ridiculous! Anybody that knows me knows I stopped wearing feety pajamas in 2009.
As for dressing up like superheroes, it's 2012 and we're still working on that.
Obviously these anachronisms occurred because Timeline captures scanned photos according to the date you posted them, not when they were taken. For you readers who are younger than me, there was once a time when pictures had to be developed on paper and we all looked as ugly as whatever was captured in the first snap, without an infinite number of retakes and retouches. For those readers whose vocabulary is not as advanced as mine, an anachronism is the fear of spiders. You’re welcome.
The date stamps can be fixed, which is great for making your Timeline more accurate, or for doing what Facebook users do best: lie. For example, you can eliminate your Members Only jacket phase, or even your entire history with that boyfriend who is currently “In A Relationship” with his cellmate. Or, if you took a snapshot during the Cubs game on a school day, Ferris Bueller, you can simply re-date it for the nearest Saturday. Make sure there’s a day game on the home schedule first.
Here's me with my son and "the flu."
By the time I get around to changing the dates on my pictures, I’ll be deader than MySpace. I understand, however, that there was no easy way around this for Facebook, and at least they gave us the option to revise the postings from our childhood.
Speaking of the days when I actually was a child, instead of just child-ish, one thing I hated about this Facebook update was trying to find the new Privacy settings. I grew up in an age [Stone] where the stupid thing you just did didn’t end up on the Internet within minutes of you doing it. In fact, you had to wait for somebody to invent the Internet. At the very least, you had a little time for the gossip mill to start up, and for the story to grow into legend before finally festering into a monstrosity of an act that you may or may not have committed.
Today? Instant video evidence. God help the Millennials. A few of my friends – friends who probably have compromising photos of me somewhere – recently posted an article by Kate Conner titled Ten Things I Want to Tell Teenage Girls, which included some valuable advice about avoiding embarrassment on Facebook. I echo the advice, although the target audience almost certainly won’t take it. Like every generation before them, including mine, they will be too smart to listen and will have to make their own mistakes, albeit more publicly than we ever did.
The biggest thing about Timeline that sticks in my gut is that the feature might as well be called Waistline. Graphically, it’s a top-heavy rendering of every pound I’ve gained in my 40 years. The poor pictures at the bottom have turned from portraits to landscapes from being crushed by the photos above. That’s about all I have to complain about so far, but we all know this won’t be the end of it. Consider this comment:
“I love thinking about a moment six months in the future (not yet on my Timeline) when I see all the people whining about Timeline today, still using Timeline.” –BryanI can definitely see that comment coming true. Mark Zuckerberg and friends have survived all of their customers’ outcries so far, but if they’re not careful with their dramatic changes, generations from now the following comment won’t be sarcastic:
“What’s Facebook?” –SeanSo now you know what I hate about the new Facebook Timeline. But what do I love?
“Getting my friends to write my column for me. ‘Like.’” –Bill Zam
[1] “Stone.”
Tags: anachronism, Back to the Future, Brady Bunch, complain, complaint, critique, Facebook, Facebook redesign, Facebook Timeline, Facebook upgrade, feety pajamas, Ferris Bueller, Kate Conner, kegger, Mark Zuckerberg, Members Only, memories, Millennials, privacy, review, social network, Superman, Ten Things I Want to Tell Teenage Girls, timeline, Waistline, When It's Time to Change, whine
Zamogram – A Site for Sore Eyes
by Bill Zam | Posted on: January 13, 2012 1:00 pm - in Zamogram
Zamogram – A Site for Sore Eyes – http://t.co/IL7feOy1
Happy New Site (Uncut)
billzam.com is now zamblings.com.
Upgrading my website from its current state to a more interactive, friendlier format was my New Year’s resolution.
In 2007.
After five years of procrastination, I’m proud to say that although my New Year’s resolution may still be 72 dpi, it’s at a new location. I’ve finally buckled down, pulled myself up by the bootstraps and tied the new site up in a bow.
Actually that’s a lie. It wasn’t shoe-analogy-go-getter-ness so much as carelessness. In a bit of irony after my November article about Apple software upgrades, I upgraded my Apple software and accidentally made my web-publishing applications for the old site obsolete. This forced me to start using the new site. Um…Ta daaa?
While I could have reversed the upgrade, or anted up the grand it would have taken to buy compatible software, I simply took it as a final kick in the ass. In 2006, when I launched billzam.com, my online presence was a relatively rare thing at the time for a hack humorist. That was before newborns were issued blogs with their birth certificates and Facebook accounts. Now, the technology is much easier to come by. So, in addition to my operating system upgrade, I’m movin’ on up to a slightly more deluxe apartment in the cloud.
But this article isn’t about me! It’s about what the new site means for YOU! [Editor’s note: he’s lying again.] So let’s see what old favorites and fantastic new options are available, shall we? Wait, why is everybody running away? Without further ado, I give you, www.zamblings.com!
Well, I don’t give it to you. That would defeat the purpose of me leasing the domain name. Plus, your name isn’t even Zam… [Editor’s note: get on with it before I change my mind about letting you continue this self-serving article.]
Zamblings Uncut
If you’re itching – or bitching – to have gratuitous profanity sprinkled throughout your newspaper, this section is for you. Zamblings Uncut is what my columns look like before my editor washes my mouth out with soap. They’re slightly longer and more offensive than the print edition, usually with a healthy dose of tasteful author nudity. Lucky for you, I’m kidding. They’re rarely naughtier than PG-13.
Zamblog
With the Zamblog section, idiotic ramblings are available in Fun Size! (I borrowed the “Fun Size” euphemism from candy companies’ attempts to make people think less is more. Hopefully you’ll fall for it too.) Like your wife assures you, sometimes smaller is better! The Zamblog includes shorter bursts of humor and a few specialized subcategories, like journaliZam, where I break the breaking news alerts by mocking headlines, and neologiZams, where I coin new words, expressions or definitions. There’s no need to keep track of the different sub-categories, because I’ll keep every variety of bad joke flowing along the left side of the page in one continuous stream. It’ll be like being waterboarded right at your keyboard!
Multimedia
In addition to the marginally better graphics and revised color scheme – NOW WITH 70% MORE BURGUNDY! – the new site makes it easier for me to share pictures, audio and video files. So instead of describing a commercial I saw, I can embed the clip right in the post, giving you instant enjoyment, and me the fast-track to prison for copyright infringement. As I mentioned, the site is new, so please let me know if anything is malfunctioning besides my sense of humor.
Comments
Join the fray! Not the band The Fray; they already have four members, and for the last time they do not need a keytar player. Leave a comment or start a discussion on any post on the website. “Are you not entertained?” You can tell me that, too. My first goal is always to make you laugh, but if any of my writing strikes the wrong nerve, let me know, and I won’t even tell Smithers to release the hounds. In case you can’t tell from this paragraph, I love pop culture references and I especially welcome those.
Ads
Who out there can honestly say that they get enough online advertising? What? Every single one of you can honestly say that? Unfortunately a bit of ad space may be a necessary evil, but let’s just pretend I didn’t mention it at all. I promise I will never CLICK HERE TO READ ONE MOTHER’S PERFECT HOME REMEDY FOR TEETH WHITENING mention it again.
Social Networking
While we’re talking about promotion, please allow me to speak to you briefly about the issue of needy snarkographers in our country. You’re probably already aware that if you don’t send this article to 10 people within the hour, you will not be eligible for The Rapture. What you may not know is that columnists like myself spend 20 percent of the time patting ourselves on the back for a good piece, and the other 90 percent mentally abusing ourselves about how nobody likes us. (We spend zero percent of time on math.) To help reduce this crippling affliction, the new site has buttons for sharing Zamblings content with your friends on Twitter, Facebook and several other social networks that may not even exist. You can also subscribe to (or unsubscribe from) my free monthly Zamogram newsletter, follow me on Twitter or “Like” the new Zamblings Facebook page.
It doesn’t make any difference to me whether you click the buttons, but they’re there. I mean, whatever, it’s up to you. So what if even my wife won’t Like my Facebook page. I write for me.
Please click the buttons. I’m begging you to share my work. I’ll clean your shoes with a toothbrush. Clearly, just like the old site, the new one features absolutely no dignity.
A Very Special Episode of Zamblings
Can I be serious for a moment? I would like to thank the editors and publishers of The Chronicle for allowing me to advertise my website for years, and especially thank the readers for visiting me online. Your laughs, letters and comments are the reason I do this. Your participation lets me know when I’m entertaining or irritating, and each time you take a moment to share my drivel with similarly silly people, it makes my day. Mostly, I love to laugh as much as I love trying to make others laugh, so I encourage you to jump in and add your own two cents.
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