Ray Bradbury passed away yesterday at age 91. Here’s a reprint of my first blog post on billzam.com before it became zamblings.com.
Nov. 30, 2006
give us this day our daily B.R.E.A.D. (Bill, Ray, Edgar Allan and Dave)
“‘And you, you’re William…You write for the Chronicle, a good enough column. I’ve heard more about you than I’d care to tell.’”
-from Ray Bradbury’s Dandelion Wine
Today’s quote is an actual line spoken by the character Helen Loomis in Ray Bradbury’s classic novel, in which the summer experiences of an extraordinary 12-year-old boy named Douglas Spaulding serve as a poignant metaphor for the crushing pain and exuberant pleasures bestowed on humans by the passage of time. Portions of the book were copyrighted as early as 1946, but as is so often the case, Mr. Bradbury appeared to be writing directly to me when I re-read the story this month.
Those that are familiar with my published writing might never expect me to cite Bradbury as my primary influence, nor would they necessarily think to hear Edgar Allan Poe and William Shakespeare on the same list. I’ve been compared to Dave Barry, the humor columnist/novelist/screenwriter famous for his quick-witted wordplay and bait-and-switch sentences. For those who have been kind enough to even mention my name in parallel with Barry’s genius, I thank you.
In fact, there are many friends and family members I need to thank for motivating me to birth this Web site today. Since I’m still a little woozy from the labor pains (I wasn’t offered an epidural), I won’t try to list them by name here for fear of leaving somebody out. There will be other times for that.
However, I would like to honor the dead (Shakespeare, Poe), the dead-on (Bradbury) and the deadpan (Barry) for getting me to where I am today…my basement.
Admittedly, the basement isn’t where I aspire to be, symbolically, but I am at my desk and I am writing. It’s a start, and it wouldn’t have happened without these guys.
I knew very early that I had an unusual appreciation for literature when I found myself laughing hysterically at Shakespeare while my peers threw aside the required reading in confusion and disgust. The horrifying tales of Poe twisted my insides and filled my brain with wonder at the depths of the devious human mind. And Barry? If you’ve read anything else on this site, you can see that I certainly share his penchant for a mix of scathing satire and self-deprecating humor. What all these writers have in common is the power to make you FEEL. To laugh, to cry, to quake with fear, sometimes all at once.
Still, it was fantasy writer Ray Bradbury that really revived my own fantasy of becoming an author. When I turned 30, I promised myself that I would stop talking about being a writer and actually do something about it before I was 40. Shortly thereafter, I read Bradbury’s non-fiction book Zen in the Art of Writing, and I was stricken once again with the fever to chase the dream that began, oddly enough, when I was Douglas Spaulding’s age and a teacher dropped a Bradbury novel on my desk.
Motivated by Zen, I wrote to Mr. Bradbury to thank him for his inspiration, which lay dormant for years but seemed now to be calling me back. Wouldn’t you know it? I got a letter. For real this time, Ray Bradbury was writing directly to me. He thanked me for the compliments I had given him and offered a few of his own that spurred me on to keep pursuing my “writer-by-40″ goal.
I hope you’ll find in reviewing these pages that I’ve gotten a pretty good start on the 10-year plan. Today, Nov. 30, Bill Zam turns 35 and billzam.com is born.
Hello, my name is William. I write for the Chronicle. And I hope you’ll indulge me one more quote, from page 92 of my well worn, 35-year-old copy of Dandelion Wine:
“Abracadabra-zimmity-ZAM! How’s that?”
Happy New Site (Uncut)
billzam.com is now zamblings.com.
Upgrading my website from its current state to a more interactive, friendlier format was my New Year’s resolution.
In 2007.
After five years of procrastination, I’m proud to say that although my New Year’s resolution may still be 72 dpi, it’s at a new location. I’ve finally buckled down, pulled myself up by the bootstraps and tied the new site up in a bow.
Actually that’s a lie. It wasn’t shoe-analogy-go-getter-ness so much as carelessness. In a bit of irony after my November article about Apple software upgrades, I upgraded my Apple software and accidentally made my web-publishing applications for the old site obsolete. This forced me to start using the new site. Um…Ta daaa?
While I could have reversed the upgrade, or anted up the grand it would have taken to buy compatible software, I simply took it as a final kick in the ass. In 2006, when I launched billzam.com, my online presence was a relatively rare thing at the time for a hack humorist. That was before newborns were issued blogs with their birth certificates and Facebook accounts. Now, the technology is much easier to come by. So, in addition to my operating system upgrade, I’m movin’ on up to a slightly more deluxe apartment in the cloud.
But this article isn’t about me! It’s about what the new site means for YOU! [Editor’s note: he’s lying again.] So let’s see what old favorites and fantastic new options are available, shall we? Wait, why is everybody running away? Without further ado, I give you, www.zamblings.com!
Well, I don’t give it to you. That would defeat the purpose of me leasing the domain name. Plus, your name isn’t even Zam… [Editor’s note: get on with it before I change my mind about letting you continue this self-serving article.]
Zamblings Uncut
If you’re itching – or bitching – to have gratuitous profanity sprinkled throughout your newspaper, this section is for you. Zamblings Uncut is what my columns look like before my editor washes my mouth out with soap. They’re slightly longer and more offensive than the print edition, usually with a healthy dose of tasteful author nudity. Lucky for you, I’m kidding. They’re rarely naughtier than PG-13.
Zamblog
With the Zamblog section, idiotic ramblings are available in Fun Size! (I borrowed the “Fun Size” euphemism from candy companies’ attempts to make people think less is more. Hopefully you’ll fall for it too.) Like your wife assures you, sometimes smaller is better! The Zamblog includes shorter bursts of humor and a few specialized subcategories, like journaliZam, where I break the breaking news alerts by mocking headlines, and neologiZams, where I coin new words, expressions or definitions. There’s no need to keep track of the different sub-categories, because I’ll keep every variety of bad joke flowing along the left side of the page in one continuous stream. It’ll be like being waterboarded right at your keyboard!
Multimedia
In addition to the marginally better graphics and revised color scheme – NOW WITH 70% MORE BURGUNDY! – the new site makes it easier for me to share pictures, audio and video files. So instead of describing a commercial I saw, I can embed the clip right in the post, giving you instant enjoyment, and me the fast-track to prison for copyright infringement. As I mentioned, the site is new, so please let me know if anything is malfunctioning besides my sense of humor.
Comments
Join the fray! Not the band The Fray; they already have four members, and for the last time they do not need a keytar player. Leave a comment or start a discussion on any post on the website. “Are you not entertained?” You can tell me that, too. My first goal is always to make you laugh, but if any of my writing strikes the wrong nerve, let me know, and I won’t even tell Smithers to release the hounds. In case you can’t tell from this paragraph, I love pop culture references and I especially welcome those.
Ads
Who out there can honestly say that they get enough online advertising? What? Every single one of you can honestly say that? Unfortunately a bit of ad space may be a necessary evil, but let’s just pretend I didn’t mention it at all. I promise I will never CLICK HERE TO READ ONE MOTHER’S PERFECT HOME REMEDY FOR TEETH WHITENING mention it again.
Social Networking
While we’re talking about promotion, please allow me to speak to you briefly about the issue of needy snarkographers in our country. You’re probably already aware that if you don’t send this article to 10 people within the hour, you will not be eligible for The Rapture. What you may not know is that columnists like myself spend 20 percent of the time patting ourselves on the back for a good piece, and the other 90 percent mentally abusing ourselves about how nobody likes us. (We spend zero percent of time on math.) To help reduce this crippling affliction, the new site has buttons for sharing Zamblings content with your friends on Twitter, Facebook and several other social networks that may not even exist. You can also subscribe to (or unsubscribe from) my free monthly Zamogram newsletter, follow me on Twitter or “Like” the new Zamblings Facebook page.
It doesn’t make any difference to me whether you click the buttons, but they’re there. I mean, whatever, it’s up to you. So what if even my wife won’t Like my Facebook page. I write for me.
Please click the buttons. I’m begging you to share my work. I’ll clean your shoes with a toothbrush. Clearly, just like the old site, the new one features absolutely no dignity.
A Very Special Episode of Zamblings
Can I be serious for a moment? I would like to thank the editors and publishers of The Chronicle for allowing me to advertise my website for years, and especially thank the readers for visiting me online. Your laughs, letters and comments are the reason I do this. Your participation lets me know when I’m entertaining or irritating, and each time you take a moment to share my drivel with similarly silly people, it makes my day. Mostly, I love to laugh as much as I love trying to make others laugh, so I encourage you to jump in and add your own two cents.
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