ESPN Radio’s Mike Greenberg and Mike Golic challenged listeners to come up with a sappy parody love song to Mike Ditka, to be recorded by their producers Liam and Joaquin and played live on the Mike & Mike morning show. Here are Bill Zam’s three entries, followed by the (non-Zam) winning submission. You be the judge.

Mike Ditka’s Face
(Sung to the tune of Queen’s “Bicycle Race”)

Mike Ditka! Mike Ditka! Mike Ditka!
I want to see my Mike Ditka
I want to see my Mike
I want to see my Mike Ditka
Especially on Mike and Mike

You say Bears – Monday Night
You say end – I say tight
You say shark – I say, hey Ron,
Jaws was never my scene
And I don’t like Werder

Tirico – what a voice
Kornheiser – give me a choice
You say Mike – I say “nice!”
I don’t believe in John Madden,
Charlie Steiner, Olbermann
Cause all I wanna see is

Mike Ditka! Mike Ditka! Mike Ditka!
Mike Ditka! Mike Ditka! Mike Ditka!
I want to see my Mike Ditka
I want to see my Mike
I want to see my Mike Ditka
Especially on…

Mike Ditka’s faces are coming your way
And the man can get moody, oh yeah!
Fat bottomed men won’t stop him on this play
And look out for those Buddy’s, oh yeah
On your marks get set go
Mike Ditka’s face Mike Ditka’s face Mike Ditka’s face

You say “Joa” – I say “quin”
You say -berg – I say Green
Hot dog! I say Golic, man
Ditka’s gonna be the President of America

You say smile – I say cheese
Ditka glares – I say please
When he growls I just freeze
I don’t wanna be the streaking fan
That Iron Mike knocked on his can
Cause all I want to see is

Mike Ditka! Mike Ditka! Mike Ditka!
I want to see my Mike Ditka
I want to see my Mike
I want to see my Mike Ditka
Especially on Mike and Mike

Original lyrics:

Bicycle bicycle bicycle
I want to ride my bicycle bicycle bicycle
I want to ride my bicycle
I want to ride my bike
I want to ride my bicycle
I want to ride it where I like

You say black I say white
You say bark I say bite
You say shark I say hey man
Jaws was never my scene
And I don’t like Star Wars

You say Rolls I say Royce
You say God give me a choice
You say Lord I say Christ
I don’t believe in Peter Pan
Frankenstein or Superman
All I wanna do is

Bicycle bicycle bicycle
I want to ride my bicycle bicycle bicycle
I want to ride my bicycle
I want to ride my bike
I want to ride my bicycle
I want to ride my

Bicycle races are coming your way
So forget all your duties oh yeah!
Fat bottomed girls they’ll be riding today
So look out for those beauties oh yeah

On your marks get set go
Bicycle race bicycle race bicycle race
Bicycle bicycle bicycle want to ride my bicycle
Bicycle bicycle bicycle
Bicycle race

You say coke I say caine
You say John I say Wayne
Hot dog I say cool it man
I don’t wanna be the President of America

You say smile I say cheese
Cartier I say please
Income tax I say Jesus
I don’t wanna be a candidate
For Vietnam or Watergate
Cos all I want to do is

Bicycle bicycle bicycle
I want to ride my bicycle bicycle bicycle
I want to ride my bicycle
I want to ride my bike
I want to ride my bicycle
I want to ride it where I like

Why Don’t We Get Ditka Too?
Sung to the tune of Jimmy Buffett’s “Why Don’t We Get Drunk and Screw?” a.k.a. “A Love Song (From a Different Point of View)”

I really do appreciate the fact he’s sittin’ here
His voice sounds so wonderful
And his hair looks like veneer
Golic may be bigger
But da Coach has got a clue
So why don’t we get Ditka too?

Why don’t we get Ditka too?
We just bought a studio with room for more than two
They say he is just gruff and mean
Honey, I don’t think that’s true
So, why don’t we get Ditka too?

Why don’t we get Ditka too?
We just started Monday Nights and two Mikes just won’t do
Greenie’s filled with terror
He’s wetting his J. Crews
But, why don’t we get Ditka too?

Original lyrics:

I really do appreciate the fact youre sittin here
Your voice sounds so wonderful
But yer face dont look too clear
So bar maid bring a pitcher, another round o brew
Honey, why dont we get drunk and screw

Why dont we get drunk and screw
I just bought a water bed, its filled up for me and you
They say you are a snuff queen
Honey I dont think thats true
So, why dont we get drunk and screw

Why dont we get drunk and screw
I just bought a waterbed its filled up for me and you
They say you are a snuff queen
Honey I dont think thats true
So why dont we get drunk and screw
Yeah, now baby I say, (lord!)
Why dont we get drunk and screw

Come Monday
(Sung to the tune of Jimmy Buffett’s “Come Monday”)

There’s a bye for San Francisco
So to Atlanta Ditka will go
He’s got his hair helmet on
I guess I never realized how much it really glows
Honey I didn’t know
That I’d be missing it so

But come Monday
It’ll be alright
Come Monday
He’ll play end [comma] tight
I’ve spent six lonely days without his steely gaze
And I just want him back on the side

Yes, it’s been quite a season
Brett Farve and mid-foot sprains
But Ditka’s still “Kicking & Screaming”
A career move that’s hard to explain
Still, we love him so
That’s the reason we’ll let that one go

And come Monday
It’ll be alright
Come Monday
He’ll be holding the mike
I’ve spent six lonely days with no angry tirades
And I just want him back on the side

He don’t need the money
Iron Mike’s an endorsement cash cow
Just like his state mate Montana
He always has thrilled football crowds

I hope you’re enjoying it, Greenie
Even though you’re pretty damn scared
Be sure to have Golic guard you
Any time you walk anywhere
Despite the fighting with Buddy Ryan
Nothing could stop his Super Bowl win

‘Cause come Monday
It’ll be alright
Come Monday
He’ll be with Mike and Mike
I’ve spent six lonely days with no calling of plays
And I just want him back on the side

Original lyrics

Headin’ up to San Francisco
for the Labor Day weekend show,
I’ve got my hush-puppies on,
I guess I never was meant for
glitter rock and roll.
And honey I didn’t know
that I’d be missin’ so.

(Chorus)
Come Monday It’ll be all right,
Come Monday I’ll be holding you tight.
I spent four lonely days in a brown L.A. haze
and I just want you back by my side.

Yes it’s been quite a summer,
rent-a-cars and west bound trains.
And now your off on vacation,
somethin’ you tried to explain.
And darlin’ I love you so that’s
the reason I just let you go.

Chorus

I can’t help it honey,
your that much a part of me now.
Remember the night in Montana when
we said there’d be no room for doubt.

I hope your enjoyin’ the scen’ry,
I know that it’s pretty up there.
We can go hikin on Tuesday,
with you I’d walk anywhere.
California has worn me quite thin,
I just can’t wait to see you again.