Moment 4 Life (Uncut)

by Bill Zam | Posted on: July 27, 2011 9:56 am - in unpublished

Been there, done that, got the volunteer T-shirt.

Who knew cancer could be so much fun?

Obviously this controversial statement is intended to get your attention so I can make this point about the American Cancer Society’s Relay For Life: charity events for diseases are not always somber and depressing. If, like me, you have ever used this excuse for non-participation, cross it off your list.

Don’t Repost This as Your Status For One Hour
If I haven’t already lost you, let me assure you that I am not asking for anything. I myself am painfully average when it comes to donating. I have my own well-rehearsed list for not participating in charity events: I’m too busy; I’m too broke; I gave at a different office. All of these are absolutely true, but I am quicker to use them in this modern age of over-solicitation. Thanks to phony corporate guilt marketing and overzealous Facebook pummeling, it’s easy to get de-sensitized and not do anything at all. Let me say it this way: my favorite kind of volunteering is the kind you actually volunteer for. [Many of you are now volunteering a grammar rule about not ending sentences with a preposition. This is something I’m aware of.] The purpose of this article is not to add to the saturation, but to take a moment to give those of you sitting on the fence with me a more attractive option for helping.

Ain’t No Party Like a Cancer Party ‘Cause a Cancer Party Don’t Stop (Unfortunately)
Relay For Life is a charity event the organizers call “a time to celebrate those who have battled cancer, remember those lost and get inspired to fight back.” I recently walked with my family to support a friend whose father has cancer, as well as to honor various friends and relatives who have passed away or are currently soldiering on as survivors.

When I arrived at the local high school track with my kids, what we found, quite frankly, was a raging party. There was a martial arts performance, a money-raising “beauty” contest for men in drag, and a woman hula-hooping her way around the track like a possessed circus performer. There was live music, bounce houses, games, and footballs and Frisbees flying through the air like an asteroid field. This particular event was on the day of the supposed Rapture, so at first I thought they were asteroids. The best time to walk for charity in an open field is the day God is expected to strike down upon thee with great vengeance. “Hi, Lord! Maybe you should blow those thunderclouds away so you have a clear view of the altruism!” I guess it worked this time, but don’t feel bad if you weren’t out there saving the world on May 21. Weather permitting, the End of Days has been rescheduled for October and you’ll get another chance.

Starve a Cold, Feed a Cancer
As with all carnivals, there were ridiculously overpriced concessions, but for once it felt right to pay $4.00 for a grocery store hamburger, because the meat of that money was going to cancer research. It also felt good knowing I was going to walk it off before I went home. Since we would need plenty of energy, I kept myself and the kids heavily hydrated with charitable bottled spring water, and also convinced myself that it was a good reason to drink about a half-dozen iced coffees with Splenda. After the walk, I learned that there are entire books and websites claiming that Splenda is the latest product to cause cancer. Another round of morbidly ironic espresso, barista!

8 Mile
The kids played in the midfield, joining us for an occasional lap, while I walked the easiest eight miles of my life. Between the caffeine and losing myself in the palpable positive vibe of my fellow walkers, the day flew by. There were no rules or lane violations. Nobody yelled at each other for going too slow on the track or going the wrong way. When the P.A. announcer courteously requested moments of silence, respect was universally delivered by people of all ages. I felt great, not just because of the good cause, but also because each lap was one small step toward getting me into a smaller charity T-shirt for the next event. I could have walked further for my own health without the kids, but the Relay is about solidarity and community, not distance. More attendees = more money, and more education for my children about the realities of life and death.

It’s All Fun and Games Until Someone Loses a Life
I’m not naïve. It’s obviously not just a party, and this is most evident during the luminaria ceremony after dark, when the Relay honors those affected by or lost to the disease by lighting candles inside sand-filled bags. The theme of this walk, spelled out beautifully in the bleachers with luminarias, was HOPE. Aside from hoping for a cure, it personally made me hopeful for a kinder world, where people treat each other with the respect and deference that was present throughout the event.

Touched By a Euphemism
I don’t like the phrase “we all know someone whose life has been touched by cancer.” People don’t get “touched” by, for example, chemotherapy. A more appropriate verb would be ravaged or devastated. In the few short months between the walk and the time I finished this article, two of my close relatives were diagnosed with cancer. My friend’s father, whom we were sponsoring at the walk, was transferred to hospice care. Call me touchy if you must, but this is not the best place for euphemisms. Cancer fucking sucks.

Raising HOPE
My hope is that I have not guilt-marketed you, browbeaten you or essentially contradicted my own advice. I will not be following up to see if you read this and I will not be asking you for money. I just wanted to relay the message that it only took me about four hours to switch from indifferent to invested, and you might find yourself similarly inspired, like my five-year-old. He heard my wife and I talking today about yet another person who had been diagnosed with lung cancer.

“Lung cancer? Yay! We get to go to another walk!”

Okaaaay. Maybe he doesn’t fully understand why he was there; his motivation is bounce houses and brotherly bonding. But it doesn’t matter. He’s excited to go again, he’s full of energy, and his T-shirt money is as good as anyone else’s. If your motivation is still not there, believe me, I understand. But if you’d like to save a life, lower your cholesterol, or even just want a new T-shirt in your closet, take a lap with him.

To support Relay For Life, visit http://www.relayforlife.org/relay/about.

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Memorex Memories (Uncut) – with trivia answers

by Bill Zam | Posted on: April 1, 2011 10:21 am - in unpublished

Mixed emotions.

I traveled a lot this year. My journey[1] took me through America,[2] from Boston[3] to Chicago[4] to Kansas[5] to Houston.[6] Occasionally you’d find me over the borderline[7] as far away as Africa[8] or Asia,[9] or in a big country[10] somewhere else, like down under.[11] Once I even crossed the river Styx[12] without paying the ferryman![13] All without leaving my library.

If you just had an a-ha[14] moment, you know that I’m talk-talking[15] about my iTunes library, which grew exponentially with 80s music as I digitized my old cassette collection. I didn’t move very far geographically – a tape ended every 30 or 45 minutes and I ran[16] across the room to flip it[17] – but I did go back in time.[18]

I’m so excited[19] to get all of this music on my computer and discard hundreds of obsolete cassette tapes. No more rewinding or using the eraser end of a pencil to spin a stubborn reel. I got my first CD player in 1988 and did a mandatory persuasive presentation in high school Speech class about it, smashing a record with a hammer[20] and pulling the guts out of a cassette to demonstrate the comparative durability and capacity of the Compact Disc.

I mentioned my family’s earlier influence on my musical tastes in Side One of this article, but the 1980s were truly[21] my formative years. They say that popular music is the soundtrack of our lives, but at that age – junior high especially – it seemed to be the focus of our lives, and we were loving every minute of it.[22] Those were our glory days,[23] when Gina worked the diner all day[24], a girl named Rio[25] danced across the sand, and Nikki was everybody’s darling.[26] There was no need to buy a copy of “Thriller”[27] or “Every Breath You Take”[28]; you simply needed to turn up the radio[29] to hear those ubiquitous tunes. But if you wanted a one-hit wonder, you’d have to buy the cassette. The other option was to sit by the radio, hoping Rick Dees would give a Weekly Top 40 intro long enough for you to get to the record button of your cassette deck before “Our House”[30] or “New Girl Now”[31] or “867-5309/Jenny”[32] came on. If you happened to be listening to Casey Kasem, you might miss the button while reaching for the stars, or (during the Long Distance Dedication), the tissues.

A box of Kleenex was definitely in order[33] when I got to my mix tapes. Up to this point in the digitizing, it was mostly laughter, like when I remembered that the Breakfast Club[34] was a band as well as a movie, or when I would hear tongue-in-cheek shouts of this is my jam! from my wife in the other room for every fifth song.[35] For many, the 1980s meant MTV, new wave and rap, but to me the lasting invention of the decade was the Mix Tape.

The seriousness of a relationship in the 80s and early 90s could be judged not only by sexual consummation, but also by whether one had prepared 90 minutes of meaningful music on cassette, complete with liner notes that looked like somebody dropped an M-80 into a pack of Magic Markers. One of the romantics,[36] I fancied myself the Jam-Master Jay[37] of mix tapes, filling each side of the tape with carefully selected hits and serenades, interspersed with film and comedy clips. In retrospect, I would have gotten more action if I focused more on the girls and less on creating the perfect K-Tel collection, but I’m happy with how it worked out. I gave my wife a Digitally Remastered Box Set of her old mix tapes that she appreciated more than anything I could have downloaded from iTunes.

As I transferred the cassettes, many of them proved as flawed as my high school speech had demonstrated. No matter what I did with the Dolby Noise Reduction switch, Hall & Oates[38] warbled even more than they did in the 80s, while Twisted Sister twisted to a painful death in the hungry[39] cassette player. As these degraded physical[40] symbols of my childhood slipped away, though, I realized that the tapes held more than analog music, and lasted a lot longer than expected, at least in my memory.

There was the road trip I took with my best friend’s family and the Eagles[41]; the Bigger And Deffer[42] hoops games on a youth center court in my ironically Richer and Whiter suburban town; and the mental photograph[43] of my first slow dance, kindly engineered for us by a friend’s mother at a chaperoned co-ed house party. It was awkward, but it was heaven. And although it was 1984, it was not “Heaven,” by Bryan Adams. Inexplicably, it was Led Zeppelin’s “Stairway to Heaven,” which is slow-dance bliss until Jimmy Page takes over and you find yourself looking at your dance partner in a wide-eyed “stare way” that says, “What the hell do we do now?”

Eventually we said goodbye to the 80s, Chris-Crossing[44] from jumping with The Pointer Sisters[45] and Van Halen[46] to jump-jumping with Kris Kross in the 90s. I’m not one of these guys who insists that his generation was better than those that followed. I won’t presume to know what musical memories will one day move today’s teenagers – perhaps shared iPod buds or YouTube dedications – but I will share some advice. When I first heard it, this advice was nothing more to me than a random sentence between electronic hand claps. But as I listened to the noisy tape reels wind away into oblivion this year, the message suddenly came across with digital clarity: Hold on to 16 as long as you can, changes come around real soon, make us women and men.[47]

 

[1] Journey, formed 1973

[2] America, formed 1970

[3] Boston, formed 1976

[4] Chicago, formed 1967

[5] Kansas, formed 1970

[6] Whitney Houston performed professionally as early as 1977 before “having it all” in the 80s.

[7] Madonna, 1984

[8] Toto, 1982, or the South Bronx if you spell it “Afrika”

[9] Asia, formed 1981

[10] Big Country, “In a Big Country,” 1983

[11] Men At Work, “Down Under,” 1981

[12] Styx, formed 1970

[13] Chris de Burgh, “Don’t Pay the Ferryman,” 1982

[14] a-ha, formed 1982

[15] Talk Talk, formed 1981

[16] A Flock of Seagulls, 1982

[17] While Bell Biv Devoe’s Poison wasn’t released until 1990 and this “Do Me” reference was accidental, I’ll give you credit since it was actually in the box of cassettes!

[18] Huey Lewis and the News, 1985

[19] Pointer Sisters, 1982

[20] Technically M.C. Hammer until 1991

[21] Lionel Richie, “Truly,” 1982

[22] Loverboy, 1985

[23] Bruce Springsteen, 1984

[24] “Living on a Prayer,” Bon Jovi, 1986

[25] Duran Duran, 1982

[26] “Darling Nikki,” Prince, 1984

[27] Michael Jackson, 1982

[28] The Police, 1983

[29] Autograph, 1984

[30] OK, if you want to argue that “One Step Beyond” or “House of Fun” were hits #2 and #3 for Madness, you are sick with 80s nostalgia. Go sit in a padded room with Kevin Dubrow.

[31] Honeymoon Suite, 1981

[32] Tommy Tutone, 1982

[33] Hair band Kleenex released their debut album, “Definitely in Order,” in 1987.

[34] New wave band Breakfast Club released “Right On Track” in 1987, and if you believe Wikipedia, they actually once counted Madonna as a member – on drums!

[35] I’m white, she’s black. If I’m being honest, it was more like every 50th.

[36] The Romantics, formed in 1977, are most famous for “What I Like About You.”

[37] Jason Mizell (1965-2002), was the DJ of Run-D.M.C.

[38] Daryl Hall and John Oates first paired up in 1969.

[39] Twister Sister formed in 1972 and released Stay Hungry in 1984.

[40] Olivia Newton-John, 1981

[41] Although it seemed like I was runnin’ down the road with Don Henley and company a lot in that decade, the Eagles actually didn’t release a studio album in the 1980s.

[42] L.L. Cool J, BAD, 1987

[43] Def Leppard, 1983

[44] Christopher Cross’ most famous 80s hits were “Sailing,” “Ride Like the Wind” and “Arthur’s Theme.”

[45] “Jump (For My Love),” 1983

[46] “Jump,” 1984

[47] “Jack and Diane,” John Cougar, 1982

Read Side One of this column.

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

I and I and I (Patois Version)

by Bill Zam | Posted on: January 1, 2008 5:54 pm - in unpublished

Mi radda be in de Caribbean.

“Let’s see what happens, eh?”

Dat’s what de weddermon seh after im mek im predictions fi a bone-chilling wintah stahm headed toward alla wi dis weekend. Coincidentally, a de same phrase de revrand used after I and I chups de bride a mi wedding in Ochie, which is weh mi a go – inna mi mine, if nah physically – when mi need fi wahm up. Mek wi go a fareign – come back to Jamaica with mi, if yuh please, an alang de weh perhaps mi cyan dispel a few misconceptions about de island.

While de bredren back home in Connecticut shoveled outta one ole eap a snow, dis yah what did happen dat January day: mi Jamaican wife Ingrid and I walked good: offa de beach past a huge, tatched-roof bar called Boonoonoonoos, got a cup of Overproof on ice, strolled acrass a woodahn rope bridge spanning a dazzling, waterfall-teemed swimming pool[1], an posed for some pictures inna gazebo by de watah before blissfully jamming de night aweh to reggae riddims.

Mi toughts always turn to de Yard on mi anniversary. I and I seem fi get older and colder with each New England wintah. Cho! It a frickin’ freezing in yah, Mr. Bigglesworth. Mi editah a gwaan ave one badderation of a time with dis article, which mi writing with mittens pon mi haan. Johnny Osbourne knew what im meant when im seh “love in de winter should be as wahm as de summer sun.”

Imagining I and I at de resort weh mi got married would be easier from a tanning bed, but fi de dermatologically friendly solution, mi turn to mi wife fi inspiration. A combination of spicy Jamaican food fi nyam and pulsating dancehall beats cyan get de blood flowing inna mi extremities, but dey a nuh bettah weh fi start dan with de wahming, sooding sounds of de unofficial Jamaican language, patois (pronounced PAH-twah). In de time mi ave known Ingrid, mi ave learn many phrases, but patois a challenge fi de mon who grew up in suburban Connecticut (pronounced lily-white).

Doah dey a some French influence, patois has been described as “broken English,” mose likely by people who nah unnastaan de language and mus derefore denigrate it. I and I ave done some research on patois, and discovered dat a easier fi learn de language itself dan to unnastaan its linguistic origins. Suffice it to seh dat like reggae, patois is characterized by lilting riddims and an almost musical flow of conversation. I and I cyan only manage a speakey-spokey “broken patois”[2] – Zamaican, if unu will.

Wa mek patois vex me so? Aside from possessing de Caucasian DNA strand dat mek mi incapable of doing de buttahfly[3] or choosing fashionable clothes[4] – is dat other dan de occasional tourist pamphlet, it almost impossible fi fine written instruction dat nah pon a T-shirt[5] with a cartoon Rasta dem.

Dis yah a good place fi debunk a few myths fi readers who nah go a Ja.,[6] becah nobody likes fi dem myths a bunk. I and I gwaan dispense with de most common Hollywood stereotypes and replace dem with Zam stereotypes, albeit ones developed from mi great love fi mi Jamaican bredren, sistren and pickney dem. For genuine facts, please consult de Jamaican who cotch pon de neares cahnah or fine a writah with a likkle hint of journalistic integrity. [Editor’s Noat: Dese are usually de writahs widout mitten pon dem haan[7].]

Myth #1: All Jamaicans are Rastafarians. Mi know hundreds of Jamaicans, but mi nevah met no Rasta. Rasta a religion with stringent dietary restrictions – known as ital[8] – against processed foods. Chances are dat if unu met someone in America who claim Rasta, dem know how fi black up, but de dietary restrictions galang as soon as de munchies kick in witin de Domino mon[9] delivery radius. How ironic dat ital people cyaan nyam Ital-ian food.

Myth #2: All Jamaican Music is by Bob Marley. Dis yah an unnastaannable misconception, givahn dat de supposedly deceased Tuff Gong mysteriously seem fi come out with a new album every year, and even more surprisingly, a new pickney. To name a few, im musical offspring include Ziggy, Cedella, Stephen, Damian, Ky-Mani and, um…Shemp[10]. Outside de Marleys, a greyt numbah of modern reggae tunes are remeks of oddah songs. Fi instance, Sean Kingston’s two recent hits are repackagings a Ben E. King’s “Stand By Me” an Led Zeppelin’s “D’yer Maker,” which interestingly nuff, is a pun on de wud “Jamaica.” Dey a x amount of oddah songs dat are more appropriately cyalled dancehall or slackness[11]. Dis yah genre, lesser known by mose Americans, is devoted almost entirely to – how shall mi put i’? – wokin’, slammin’, slappin’, jooking, cocking it up, cyabin stabbin’…i.e., sex. Curiously, de word screwface nah have nuttin’ to do with sex.[12]

Myth #3[13]: All Jamaicans Have Dreadlocks Under a Red, Yellow and Green Hat. False. Sometimes de tam a all one colah, like when dem pon a jyob intahview. Seriously, dreads are also largely associated with Rastafarianism, and dem difficult fi manage, so most people nah ave dem. Mose of de tams are simply loaded with a felony amount of ganja. Dis facetious pint leads mi to…

Myth #4: All Jamaicans Smoke Ganja. Not if dem wan fi stay outta prison. Marijuana is universally celebrated in reggae music, but it jus as illegal deh as it is hyah. Dreadlocks serve de dual purpose of softening de blow when de Babylon dem bash[14] unu with dem nightsticks.

Myth #5: All Jamaicans Drive Taxis. Despite de requisite appearance of “Wacky Rasta Cyabbie” in every screwball Hollywood comedy, a nah tchue. If unu evah tek a taxi inna busy city like New Yahk, unu know dat de cab drivahs weave dangerously[15] in and outta traffic, driving ovah sidewalks an pedestrians at breakneck speed. Jamaican drivahs, by comparison, are fucking crazy. De island falla English customs, so de popular wahrning is “De lef side is de right side and de right side a suicide.” Curiously, mose roads are only wide nuff to ave one side. Unu may ave heard fi pass de dutchie or koutchie pon de lef-haan side, but nevah, evah, pass a tour bus pon de lef or yuh ennup stuck inna grill. Nuh, nah in Negril – in A grill – on de front of someone cyaar dem. De second mose important traffic rule in Jamaica is dat goats ave de right of weh. On a related note, when preparing curried goat, de meat should be tendah, so be sure fi cook it inna de dutchie, not inna grill.

Myth #6: All Jamaicans Have Nine Jobs. Dis stereotype a popularized depon In Living Color. Mose of de Jamaicans mi know are extremely hard woking, but on average dem only ave seven jyobs. De statistics were primarily skewed by mi wife’s breddah and sistah, who togeddah held 38 percent of all American jyobs between 1988 an 2005. De trick was to remembah which part dem wok dat week and show up fi de 10 percent discount. Now mi breddah-in-law is in de Army, and unu may scoff, “one measly jyob?” Howevah, im do more before 9 a.m. than mose people do all deh. Im be all dat im cyan be!

Mi teory[16] about multi-jyob Jamaicans is dat dis yah de result of de phrase “I and I,” which is frequently used by Rastafarians in place of “me” or “I.” Depending on how toroughly unu research de phrase – I and I personally exten mi search all de weh to de tird entry[17] of de Google results – “I and I” refer to de oneness between an individual and Jah; or it invokes i-man[18] physical and spiritual duality. My ipothesis is dat some Rasta unwittingly filled out a jyob application with de phrase “I and I cyan drive a forklift[19] and plant de corn[20],” at which pint de hiring managah[21], tinking “I and I” was two people, gave im boat jyobs. De rest a history.

Myth #7: Jamaicans Use the Terms “Hey mon,” “Irie,” and “Cool runnings” in every sentence. Unu cyan tank de Jamaican tourist industry fi dis fallacy. De higglas dem smart nuff fi know dat if dem repeat dese yah phrases itinually, American tourist shoppahs coming off de cruise ships[22] will nyam it up like a nice plate of mackerel rundung. If unu really wan fi learn patois, coo pon a few tips from my experience[23].

First, repeat funny sounding wuds, like fenky fenky or chaka chaka. Next, peppah unu tahks with incomprehensible proverbs, like “Im dat eat too many plantain a breakfast gwaan feel Anancy bite inna de bush.” Extra pints if yuh wok a mawga dog into de saying. Finally, tief de H’s hout hof words dat ‘ave dem, hand put dem hin front hof words dat don’t ‘ave dem. Hunnastaan?

Since wi sign wi marriage cerfiticate, Hingrid – dat’s “Ingrid” with de hextra haitch – and I ave logged approximately 3,650 nights, not alla dem blissful. But like de famously fleeting Caribbean showahs, mose of de rainfalls ave ended as soon as dem began, leaving everyting a likkle healtier in de aftahmath. When yuh live with a West Indian, yuh haffi prepare fi de occasional hurricane, and like any relationship, wi ave had dem too. Yuh jus haffi be wise nuff fi bod up de window dem and staan undah an archweh until de cuss-cuss blow ovah.

What mi would nah geev fi a wahm Jamaican breeze right now. It a tirteen degrees outside[24] an mi aving difficulty getting mi frozan face, which could stop a bullet[25], relaxed nuff fi speak patois. In fact, mi aving trouble typing de wud patois. Mi no know if it’s becahs of de mittens dem or de frostbite, but it keep a come out as “patios,” see it? Mi probably shoulda stop before mi galang pon a tangent about lawn cheers. Did mi mention mi met mi wife inna furnichah stahr?


[1] Many rivers to cross, but only one swimming pool.

[2] Call me mout-a-messy.

[3] Mi cyaan do de buttahfly and mi certainly cyaan dweet with ease. Also, dey a nuh such ting as “easy skankin’” fi de white man. It’s all difficult.

[4] Hear me now – mi nuh falla fashin.

[5] Blouse and skirt not included.

[6] Kiss mi neck back! Yuh nevah been to de Yard an yuh cyan read dis?

[7] Writahs with nah mittens mus shop from de Cole Haan catalog.

[8] Mi tink dat instead of Rastamen, dem should be cyalled italics.

[9] Nah fi be confused with Bongo Mon. Doah similarly, if Bongo Mon nuh come witin tirty minutes, de song is free.

[10] Shame and scandal, indeed.

[11] Other popular musical forms include ska, dub, soca and airhorn. At the Juilliard School of Music, mi majored in Airhorn, with a minor in Talking Over the Music While It’s Playing.

[12] Aldoah mi suppose if de sex good nuff, unu gwaan ave a screwface.

[13] Coo yah! An Ital 3!

[14] Dis yah one bashment unu wan fi avide.

[15] Too dangerous fi wi.

[16] Doan worry – mi nuh teary…mi jus ave an ipothesis. No Bill Zam no cry; no Bill Zam no cry.

[17] Not de turd entry. Yuh meh tink mi writing a shit, but mi tahk bout de numbah tree.

[18] Nah fi be confused with de model Iman, who also appen to ave a nice pyair of dualities.

[19] On de nightshift.

[20] Before yuh look mi with your scorn, yeh mon, I and I can build de cyabin, too.

[21] Nah fi be confused with man a jah, a.k.a. Haile Selassie.

[22] Some Americans on cruise ships also ave boat jyobs.

[23] If unu cyaan tell yet, My Experience is nuttin like Bounty Killer’s. Lawd a mercy! Mi nuh know what de hell im a seh.

[24] A fuckery dat!

[25] Braap braap braap, buyaka buyaka.

I and I and I (English Version)

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Pop Culture Club

by Bill Zam | Posted on: June 1, 2007 10:39 am - in unpublished

Answers and anecdotes from my three-part series on the (trivial) pursuit for The World Series of Pop Culture crown.

TRIVIA ON THE BRAIN
Groan-inducing puns of the brain diagram explained!

cerebral cortex = cerebral GoreTex
George Costanza wore this ridiculous oversized coat in “The Dinner Party” episode of Seinfeld and managed to trash a liquor store in the process. I once dropped an entire case of beer bottles on the floor of a liquor store when it fell through the bottom of the box. I was about 18 at the time, which complicated matters.

frontal lobe, parietal lobe, Lisa Loeb?
Lisa Loeb and Nine Stories’ biggest hit was “Stay,” and for her to stay in this photo I had to lose the occipital lobe. The occipital lobe is dedicated to visual processing, much like Loeb’s trademark glasses.

thalamus, hypoShalamar
This play on hypothalamus is so weak it’s barely even a pun, yet I couldn’t pass up the chance to put Shalamar on my Web site. Shalamar!

pons = Arthur Fonzarelli
Simon Lepons, Pons Moleman and 4 Non-Pons were all options, but Happy Days just screams pop culture.

medulla oblongata = Madonna oblongata
I considered Medulla Oblongata de Blanc in tribute to The Police’s Reggatta de Blanc, but if you’re going to post pictures of bleached blondes on your Web site, they might as well be the Material Girl and not Andy Summers.

TRIVIA ON THE BRAIN = Pinky and the Brain
…and Pinky is ON the Brain in this case, and the brain in the picture is kind of Pink. The band is just fantastic, that is really what I think.

gyrus = Billy Ray Cyrus
You’ll have to wait for Valentine’s Day for my cross-section diagram of an Achy-Breaky heart. And for my mullet to grow in.

corpus callosum = Colossus
Many X-Men have mutations of the brain to make them superheroes. Colossus’ mutation is of the body, which he can turn into organic steel. Of course, any guy that wears red leather hip boots may have a little brain damage, too.

cerebellum = Sarah Bellum
The creators of the Power Puff Girls made the pun for me here when naming the Mayor’s buxom secretary. Interestingly enough, her cerebellum, nor the head that surrounds it, never appears on screen.

spine = Spinal Tap
Before you write in about the typo, the “Tarp” was on purpose, in recognition of Fred Willard’s botched pronunciation of the heavy metal band’s name in this mockumentary starring Christopher Guest, Michael McKean and Harry Shearer.

 

Pop Secret!
You can strap me to a seatless chair, pull my fingernails out or say, “Is it safe?” as many times as you want, but I still couldn’t reveal all the details.
These are references to famous film torture scenes. In “Casino Royale,” a villain rips the mesh seating from a chair, straps James Bond to it naked and knots a heavy rope. I can’t reveal the rest without hurling. “Syriana” features the most painful manicure in history, and “Marathon Man” popularized the phrase “Is it safe?”, which was repeated by the character Dr. Christian Szell while Dustin Hoffman’s teeth were drilled without novocaine.

My 7-year-old regarded me as god-like when I walked into his room and rattled off the names, colors and weapons of all four Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles…
Michelangelo (orange, nunchaku); Leonardo (blue, ninjaken); Donatello (purple, bo staff); Raphael (red, sai).

…before walking off to review the cast members of “WKRP.”
“WKRP in Cincinnati,” a radio station sitcom, aired from1978 – 1982 and featured Howard Hesseman as Johnny ‘Dr. Fever’ Caravella. It also made way for such mature Ginger/Maryann discussions as “Jennifer Marlowe or Bailey Quarters?”

 

There were difficulties, however. I had to suspend my almost religious “no spoilers” rule and risk learning the details of programs I hadn’t seen in case they were on the test.
For complete details, see my column, “Spoilers are for Sports Cars.”

There were also questions to be answered. Not just “Who sang ‘Life in a Northern Town?’”
The Dream Academy (1985), better known for its “hey oh ma ma ma” lyric.

or “What actor played the Hold-up Man in ‘Coming to America?’”
Samuel L. Jackson

but I was the Wizard of Words in our group
And the Wizard of Words, the ruler of rap, in another group was Darryl “DMC” McDaniels, as self-proclaimed in the song “Is It Live?”

That name was the Solid Gold Answers, which combined everything we loved – a pun, a campy TV show reference and the chance to wear outfits we thought would make us stand out without being kicked out.
“Solid Gold” (1980 – 1988) featured many hosts, popular music and the Solid Gold Dancers.

 

Trivial Pursuits
it should be no surprise that my mind went from eye patch to pirates to “Pirates of the Caribbean” to Orlando Bloom and right back to Orlando.
Orlando Bloom stars as Will Turner in the Pirates of the Caribbean films, which loosely reference the Pirates of the Caribbean ride at DisneyWorld in Orlando, Fla. My brother-in-law’s middle name is Orlando.

The disaster parody “Airplane!” is what drew my teammates Chris, Brian and I together as pop culture comrades, and our trip to the audition would also prove to be a mockery of the airline industry.
I probably saw Airplane! (1980) 150 times when it was on pay cable as a kid and it is one of the primary reasons I spend a lot of time parodying serious situations and making lame puns that will have you reaching for your snare drum and cymbal.

A sharp-shooting security guard, suspecting chemical weaponry, shot the bottle out of my hand, simultaneously hitting me in my Tell-Tale-Heart-haunted eye, leaving me dead on the floor with my shoes floating dramatically by in a sturdy plastic tray on the conveyor belt.
What?! A literary reference not from a B-movie? In Bill’s writing? If you don’t know about Edgar Allan Poe’s short story “The Tell-Tale Heart,” get thee to a nunnery! Oh, wait, that’s a reference to Shakespeare, another of my favorite classic authors. I mean, get thee to a book store! Seriously, before there was CSI, there was gruesome, suspenseful Edgar Allan Poe, and though the old man’s eye in the story isn’t exactly pink, it’s a key feature.

I arrived in Charleston, S.C., and deplaned (De plane! De plane! Sorry, pop culture again) 
For my younger readers, the television show Fantasy Island famously featured actor Herve Villechaize looking skyward and heralding the arrival of guests by yelling “The plane! The plane!” in his thick accent. He was never seen looking skyward and yelling “Khan!” as far as I can recall.

I couldn’t locate the Shrink-wrapped Stegosaurus model, so I explained that it was huge and black, with a lot of broken zippers, like the jacket “Weird Al” Yankovic wore in his “Fat” video.
A parody of Michael Jackson’s “Bad,” featuring Al in one of the first memorable uses of a fat suit, complete with unnecessary zips and pockets everywhere.

While Brian went solo, Chris and I went Solo and Chewbacca, with Chris weaving at breakneck speed through traffic like Han through an asteroid field, and his giant, unshaven co-pilot yelping like a car-sick Wookiee from the passenger seat. Despite our exhaustion, we made it to the hotel. We hadn’t yet met up with Game Show Jedi Brian, but we were already making a pretty good team, which would come in handy later.
Um, yeah, Star Wars. I’m not the type to wear a Tusken Raider outfit to a film premiere, but I am nerd enough to know there are two E’s in “wookiee.”

A few beers, steaks and trivia questions about Hugh Laurie later,
Hugh Laurie is the star of House, and we had a weird feeling they would ask how his character got the limp. Turns out it’s from a disease he has and he is not Keiser Soze after all.

 

we retired to the hotel, Chris cracking the lid to his laptop and me thinking of TLC’s Lisa Lopes while trying to crack the lid of my left eye.
Dead at 31 years of age, Lisa “Left-Eye” Lopes was the “L” in hip-hop girl group TLC. For more spooky Left-Eye trivia, note that the letters of the word arson are contained within the name “Andre Rison.”

I finally decided that since the eye was making me self-conscious, I would start tomorrow’s audition by telling the interviewers that Uma Thurman had attacked me in a trailer and pulled the eye out, but that I was lucky enough to stuff it back into the socket before she stepped on it.
This particularly disgusting reference is to Kill Bill, Part 2, and I assure you it’s much nastier on film. Everybody in the theatre, all together now: “Ewwwww!”

but we weren’t going to learn anything about, say, the Bee Gees from our waitress.
This has nothing to do with the waitress or The Waitresses (“I Know What Boys Like”) and is simply a reference to the B-rothers G-ibb. Scary side note: Brian can name a dozen of their songs.

 

To be safe, I checked the front desk again first. When the clerk ducked into a back room and emerged with my bag, it felt like Christmas morning.
“Christ” is a popular protagonist made famous by an early New York Times List Best-Seller known as “The Bible.” Maybe I’m annotating a little too much…see ya next month. But not before I note that my reference to the clerk above led me to think about Kevin Smith, who not only wrote and directed the cult classicClerks, but also Dogma, which features the “Buddy Christ” icon shown above. While putting together this web page, I was a little frightened by the possibility that Barry Gibb and Christ are the same person.

Nothing to Fear but Fear Itself (and possibly botulism)
…Chris came up with something perfect: “Gone in Six Seconds.” Not only was it a play on pop culture, which had brought us here in the first place, but it was also totally appropriate for the task at hand.
Gone in 60 Seconds is a film about car thieves starring Nicolas Cage and Angelina Jolie. It also features a character called the The Sphinx, played by Vinnie Jones, a terrifying character actor that many Americans may also recognize from X-Men 3 or Snatch. Jones was also an accomplished professional English footballer before taking up acting, and perhaps he was chosen for the latter film for the legendary onfield moment in which he snatched up an opponent’s balls and gripped tightly. No, Jones wasn’t the goalie.

Brian and his opponents appeared on a three-story-high platform in what can only be described as Red Jumpsuit Apparatus (no offense to the current band of the same name).
Red Jumpsuit Apparatus’ song “Face Down” is getting some heavy air time right now. Here’s Brian getting some Face Down air time of his own.

Zoiks!
Expression of alarm popularized by Norville “Shaggy” Rogers on Scooby Doo, voiced by legendary deejay Kasey Kasem, who (holy dynamic duo!) also voiced Robin on The SuperFriends.

For those of you that remember the video game Kaboom!, it was kind of like that, except you never had to worry about getting inked by your Atari paddle.
Kaboom! was a game for the Atari 2600 in which players use a paddle (a controller with one button and a spinning knob) to catch bombs in buckets of water, dropped in increasing speed and volume from the top of the screen by the Mad Bomber. At top speeds, the flow of bombs would fill up the screen nearly as fast as the spam I get today.

His shot percentage was actually pretty high, but on his last throw he went into a flat spin like Goose from “Top Gun.”
The interesting thing about this movie reference is not that Anthony Edwards and Tom Cruise spiraled their airplane like a spinning Brian dangling from a cable, or even that Edwards appeared in such diverse productions as ER, Revenge of the Nerds andGotcha! It’s that Brian is an 80s trivia guru, but perhaps the only person never to have seen Top Gun.

Alas, the eight-legged freak splatted to the pavement.
Eight Legged Freaks (2002) is a widely panned giant-spider horror film, starring (in my opinion) widely overrated David Arquette (Scream, Dirt), widely underrated Doug E. Doug (Cosby) and widely downloaded hottie Kari Wuhrer (every movie appearing on Cinemax at 2:30 in the morning).

Please don’t say the blender is broken, I thought to myself repeatedly while I looked at the “chuck buckets” they had laid out before is in case of a refund.
I don’t know if they invented it, but I stole “refund” as a euphemism for vomiting from the Seinfeld episode in which George’s main concern about his girlfriend’s eating disorder is that he’s “paying for those meals.”

I just remember seeing the close-up on the Diamond Vision and being reminded of the scarabs from Universal’s “Mummy” ride.
My teammates and I went on this ride several times, a thrilling excursion featuring lots of pharaohs, bugs and giant, open-mouthed screams like the ones featured in the movie series. Perhaps the funniest moment of our entire trip was when, at the end of The Mummy ride, after everyone had quieted down, Brian let out a blood-curdling scream at the sight of…terrifyingly underwhelming actor Brendan Fraser, wrapping up the ride in a video epilogue.

 

What a perfect way to wrap up our own pop culture ride.

Pop Secret! (Uncut) (Part 1 of 3)

Trivial Pursuits (Uncut) (Part 2 of 3)

Nothing to Fear But Fear Itself (and Possibly Botulism) (Uncut) (Part 3 of 3)

Pop Culture Club (answers and annotations for trivia references in this series)

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Review to a Kill

by Bill Zam | Posted on: January 1, 2007 6:29 pm - in unpublished

Reviews of all 21 Bond films* as politically incorrect as 007.

*up to Casino Royale

Dr. No (1962)
No, it’s not the A-Team in that flame-throwing heap of scrap-metal with a dragon’s face painted on it – it’s special effects in 1962! Still, I love it when a plan comes together…especially if it’s in Jamaica. The country holds a special place in my heart, as it did for Ian Fleming, who penned his novels there in his GoldenEye villa, just a few miles from where I got married. A lot of critics balk at the sexist depiction of the women in this and all subsequent Bond films, but the nails-on-a-chalkboard offensive moment for me is when Bond sends Jamaican counterpart Quarrel to “fetch my shoes.” Doctor, no he didn’t!

From Russia With Love (1963)
Back in the day, discreet videotaping of a couple having sex (Bond and Tatiana Romanova) required a giant mirror and a reel-to-reel film crew. These days Pamela Anderson or Paris Hilton can throw something together quickly without even renting out Pinewood Studios. For cheap thrills in 1963, you had to head down to your local theater for a good girl-on-girl gypsy fight like the one in this film, a sort of 1960’s version of Jell-O wrestling. Plus, when can you say “garrote wire” more than once in a two-hour span? Thanks to Robert Shaw as strangle-happy heavy “Red” Grant, you’re afforded the luxury! Some people don’t realize that Shaw also played Quint in “Jaws.” OK, I am some people. My friend Brian had to tell me that. I’m gonna need a bigger brain.

Goldfinger (1964)
With the exception of perhaps the “The Dirty Dozen,” this film contains the most hilarious background murmur sequence ever to occur outside a community theater. When Auric Goldfinger (Gert Frobe) reveals an immense three-dimensional map beneath a trick pool table, the gangster extras offer such Academy-worthy dialogue as “What’s with that trick pool table?” and “What is this, some kind of fun house?” For more dialogue fun, note that Frobe spoke almost no English and had to have all of his lines dubbed, including the infamous “No, Mr. Bond – I expect you to die!” Re-watch this film and see if you agree that there’s an uncanny physical resemblance between Frobe and James Gandolfini (Tony Soprano).

Thunderball (1965)
Ever get so frustrated trying to figure out the lyrics to R.E.M.’s “Radio Free Europe” that you want to shoot Michael Stipe in the chest with a spear gun? Well, James Bond does it here! OK, so it’s not really the R.E.M. front man, but actor Philip Locke (Vargas) looks enough like Stipe that you’ll be able to experience the catharsis and get back to loving the band. Continuing the tradition of hiring actors for the key villain role who don’t speak English, Adolfo Celi (Largo) also had his lines dubbed. Were the budgets not big enough for these films? I guess not, because they even remade “Thunderball” a second time as “Never Say Never Again,” thanks to legal disputes over story rights with Ian Fleming collaborator Kevin McClory.

You Only Live Twice (1967)
“Why do Asian girls taste different than all other girls?” Perhaps a better question is “Why do you expect us to believe thick eyebrows make Sean Connery look Asian?” Or maybe even a third question: “Who cares?” In one of the quintessential Bond films, you get Donald Pleasence as the best Blofeld ever and the fodder (ninja camps, volcano hideouts, white cats) for 40 years of parody by Mike Myers and countless others. If you think Dr. Evil is hilarious and you never saw “You Only Live Twice,” rent this picture and find out what’s really so frickin’ funny about Austin Powers.

On Her Majesty’s Secret Service (1969)
When new Bond George Lazenby arrives at the ski lodge of Blofeld (played by Telly Savalas), the array of international beauties is so diverse, it looks like the producers of a Benetton ad and Sesame Street accidentally booked the same studio (minus the obligatory handicapped person). Alas, Bond still ends up with a girl as white as Savalas’ bald head. And though “Telly” is also an actual Sesame Street character, you’ll have to wait until “For Your Eyes Only” to see Blofeld in a wheelchair. Also of note in this film is the incredible rigmarole Bond goes through to steal copies of top secret documents, crane-hoisting a giant Xerox copier in a suitcase to an upper floor office. This is one of many instances of future technology envisioned in a Bond film that would later become commonplace reality. The theft is successful, as is the burglary of Roger Daltrey’s hair by Bond’s assistant, Campbell.

Diamonds are Forever (1971)
Bond lives twice again, both on-screen (with a phony burial at sea) and in real life, as Sean Connery returns for an encore. But it’s not just the good guys who reincarnate. Charles Gray, who appeared in You Only Live Twice as Mr. Henderson, is the new Ernst Stavro Blofeld. Add a side of sausage (Jimmy Dean plays Willard Whyte) and a cake with a bomb in it and you’ll barely have room for seconds. Plus, you know how I know you’re gay, Mr. Kidd and Mr. Wint? No, it doesn’t take “The 40-Year-Old Virgin”’s Seth Rogen and Paul Rudd to tell me. It’s because you mention that someone is “quite attractive…for a lady” and actually hold hands in one scene. Pretty groundbreaking stuff for 1971.

Live and Let Die (1973)
The opening sequence features the cheesiest fake cobra you’ve ever seen. Perhaps they should have had 7-Up “un-cola” guy Geoffrey Holder be the holder of the un-cobra, too, to make it more convincing, but he does just fine as voodoo priest Baron Samedi. Alternatively, the “yeah, riiiight” scene of Bond hopping, Pitfall-style, across three crocodiles actually happened. It was performed in Jamaica by stunt coordinator/croc farm owner Ross Kananga, who lost his balance (and almost a foot) during one take. At least they named the head villain after him. Samedi, Kananga and Tee Hee (think Dr. Hook) get top baddie billing in this film, but my favorite is Whisper, the vocally challenged and somehow adorably fat killer played by, appropriately enough, Earl Jolly Brown.

The Man With the Golden Gun (1974)
“Why must I be a man in a suitcase?” This Police song would have been an appropriate theme for the movie, since Fantasy Island’s Herve Villechaize gets stuffed into an American Tourister, but the film already had a single-name singer on board – Lulu, who belts out “The Man With the Golden Gu-hun” so enthusiastically you almost feel like Shirley Bassey is back again. While the theme song and soundtrack are fantastic, the use of a goofy slide whistle to punctuate a miraculous car-jumps-bridge stunt is completely baffling. Modern filmgoers will recognize golden gunner Christopher Lee as Saruman in “The Lord of the Rings” and Count Dooku from the “Star Wars” films.

The Spy Who Loved Me (1977)
Bond uses his licence to kill in one of the most beautifully cold ways of the series – remember the tie slap after “Where’s Fekkesh?” This movie contains plenty of Roger Moore fluff, but it’s nothing that can’t be fixed by the first appearance of Jaws, an incredible opening (as in parachute-opening) sequence and Barbara Bach as a rrrowr-rrrowr-rrrussian spy. If you go back and look at anybody’s yearbook picture from 1977, you’re bound to laugh yourself silly, but somehow Bach looks just as gorgeous 30 years later. For silliness, you’ll have to settle for no less than four cartoonish uy-uy-uy headshake double takes by extras surprised to see Bond in extraordinary situations (e.g., driving a car out of the ocean).

Moonraker (1979)
The moon may not be made of cheese, but “Moonraker” certainly is. Jaws’ sappy love story has no teeth, metal or otherwise, and the outer-space fight scene makes the underwater battle in “Thunderball” look like “Saving Private Ryan.” Add a woman fleeing into the woods to escape vicious dogs (and running right by the golf cart she rode in on in the process) and you end up with less from Moore. “Never Say Never Again” is not an official Bond film, but if I had the choice to take one film out of the series, this would be it.

For Your Eyes Only (1981)
For film nuts, here’s one of the two best pistachio sequences in movie history (the other being the scene in “Naked Gun” where Leslie Nielsen blocks himself into a stakeout car with too many shells). When I was 10, this film was on a pay movie channel named Spotlight every six hours or so. I watched it every time, then spent afternoons with my idiot friends by the pool trying to replicate the crossbow-bolt-in-the-back belly flop of villain Hector Gonzales. Our loyalty didn’t save Spotlight from folding in 1983, however. Those of you that remember the channel can see some of the classic Spotlight intro footage on YouTube, and those of you don’t remember Spotlight can tell Group A what the hell “YouTube” is.

Octopussy (1983)
Crotchety. No, I’m not talking about old-ass Roger Moore (55 during filming). I’m talking about multiple, memorable crotch scenes in which 1) Bond blows away a giant ornament at the bottom of a stone banister to save his Faberge eggs, and 2) the Octopussy girls setting a silver-screen record for camel-toes in red jumpsuits. Many critics complain about Moore’s “embarrassing” clown suit disguise, but it is no more emasculating than his rumpled face and hair while riding the G-force tester in “Moonraker” or being defeated by a back-stretching machine at a spa in “Thunderball.” This picture also features my vote for all-time low Bond theme (Rita Coolidge’s “All-Time High,” slightly edging out “Moonraker”), and a Yo-Yo with a saw blade that you’ll never see in a Duncan catalog.

A View to a Kill (1985)
A theme song by Duran Duran (a.k.a. Taylor Taylor Taylor), Christopher Walken in one of only 248 appearances as a despicable, smarmy villain, Grace Jones as a demolition woman and the best blimp scene ever. That is, until Harrison Ford delivered his famous “no ticket” line in “Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade,” starring former Bond Sean Connery as Indy’s dad. Oh, the humanity! Bond titles have always been interesting, but this is the first of a string of names that really seemed promotional without quite making any sense. Which is why I co-opted it for the title of this list.

The Living Daylights (1987)
Want to have the living daylights scared out of you? Try hanging on to a 900-pound loaded cargo net attached to the back of a Hercules jet at 120 miles per hour, like stuntmen B.J. Worth and Jake Lombard did for this film. Alternatively, try replacing Roger Moore as the new James Bond after 14 years. Timothy Dalton gets way too much criticism for his two outings as 007. The same critics who mocked Connery and Moore as fat and old in their later films are quick to assassinate the new guy. Yet if you go back and watch these two films, you’ll see Dalton doing exactly what Daniel Craig is being canonized for now – portraying Bond as the tarnished, human secret agent that appeared in Ian Fleming’s novels. The main thing that upsets me about this film is that Maryam D’Abo looks a lot like my old girlfriend. As for Joe Don Baker, I can’t appreciate him as a cocky villain unless Fletch is there to shatter a framed picture of him and Tommy Lasorda.

Licence to Kill (1989)
And a licence to spell “license” with a “c,” reminding us that this famous Bond chap is British, however enthusiastically the U.S. has embraced him. To continue my previous indignation, my fellow Americans are still up in arms over Timothy Dalton’s interpretation of Bond, whom many have labeled too boring or over-dramatic. I actually thought the classically trained Shakespearean actor was pretty good in both of his outings as James Bond, but then again, I live in a country that made Keanu Reeves a legend. What really upset me was the Leiter biter scene. Messing with Felix Leiter is like telling Miss Moneypenny she’s been downsized. A Pipless Gladys Knight does a fine job with the theme song, while Talisa Soto’s Lupe is just…fine.

GoldenEye (1995)
This time around, Pierce Brosnan wasn’t under contract for “Remington Steele,” and thus was available to become the new Bond. What many people don’t remember is that this was also the first appearance of the new “M.” If you’re going to make a bold move like replacing Bernard Lee with a female leader, you’d better pick a winner, and the filmmakers wisely acquired Judi Dench. While Bond films are the quintessential serial movies, this installment also features a couple of 21st century trilogy stars: “The Lord of the Rings”’ Sean Bean (Boromir) and a pre-X-Men Famke Janssen as Xenia Onatopp, a classic Bond girl double entendre.

Tomorrow Never Dies (1997)
What’s better than Yo-Yo from “Octopussy?” How about Yeoh-Yeoh? In an age where CGI and green screens rule, Bond films still try to do it for real. Michelle Yeoh (Wai Lin) is the female version of Jackie Chan. While Ziyi Zhang (or Zhang Ziyi, depending on which version you prefer) has taken center stage in America for the last decade as the female face of martial arts, Yeoh is the one actually doing most of her own stunts. I say most, because only a dummy would get on the back of a bike with stuntman Jean-Pierre Goy. And that’s exactly what they got – a mannequin of Yeoh – to accompany him on a 50-foot rooftop-to-rooftop motorcycle leap over a running helicopter.

The World is Not Enough (1999)
There are a lot of unrealistic moments in Bond films, but one of the most frequently cited is “Denise Richards as nuclear scientist.” Between this role and her ugly divorce from Charlie Sheen, Richards gets a lot of media flak. Please, people, can’t we be a little understanding? The woman made out on camera with Neve Campbell, for Pete’s sake! Now that’s some quality cinema! OK, if you really want to go the respected actress route, you’ve also got Sophie Marceau, who apparently is some kind of superstar in France, in addition to being the queen from “Braveheart,” one of the best movies ever. While we’re on “best ever,” check out the miniature speedboat in this film and tell me you don’t want one. As for Pierce Brosnan, he does the coolest “sprint with a determined face” since Robert Patrick as an alien policeman in “Terminator 2.”

Die Another Day (2002)
I’ve been to the DMZ (De-Militarized Zone) between North Korea and South Korea in real life, and I didn’t see Charles Manson there. Oh, wait, that’s not Chuck – it’s Pierce Brosnan in a prison camp, where the hairstylist is the guy who does the GEICO cavemen! Actually, this movie got North and South Korea to agree for once, in that they both hated how it depicted their countries. There was also ambivalence on the reinvention of the James Bond Theme, which in this installment gets a techno-rock makeover you either love or hate. Madonna, who also appears in the film, recorded the title track. If that’s not enough sexual energy for you, “It” girl Halle Berry also walks out of the ocean and orders a mojito. Take the “it” out of “mojito” and you’ve still got mojo. Take the Desmond Llewelyn (“Q”) out of James Bond, however, and you’ve got a teary eye. What better way to ease the pain than to Cleese the pain: Monty Python’s John Cleese replaces the late Llewelyn with great aplomb.

Casino Royale (2006)
To paraphrase one of my earlier articles, there’s an integrated rear spoiler on Bond’s Aston Martin DBS, but you won’t find one here. I’d rather have fellow fans appreciate the film for themselves than ruin it for them with critical plot details. Let’s just say that if you feel the movies have become too gadgety and formulaic in recent years, this is the one to bring you back. Sebastien Foucan’s stunts in the “free running” chase are truly breathtaking, as are a few tricky moments for Bond when breath is very hard to come by. “Casino Royale” reinvents the franchise and brings it back to its plot-oriented beginnings. Chris Cornell (formerly of Soundgarden) wails in the theme song, “You Know My Name.” If you didn’t know the name Daniel Craig before, you certainly will now. As Miss Moneypenny would say, “Welcome home, James.”

For the article that accompanied these reviews, please read To Oh-Oh-Seven (Uncut) or To-Oh-Oh-Seven.

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Archives

Zamblings
Copyright © 2013 All Rights Reserved
iThemes Builder by iThemes
Powered by WordPress