Surname surfeit.

When I was in high school, people thought this girl Judy was my sister. Even though our last names were spelled differently, they sounded similar, and people just assumed we were related. Once, a stranger approached me in the hall and said, “I’m so sorry to hear about your sister’s car accident,” but it was Judy’s sister that had been in a collision. The point of this anecdote? I’m glad my surname’s not Patel.

Since you’re reading this publication, yours probably is.

True, that’s a gross generalization. But if you take a gross (12 dozen) Indians, particularly motel owners, between 87 and 130 of those 144 will be named Patel, depending on whose statistics you trust. A recent Times of India article by Chidanand Rajghatta notes, “According to the year 2000 US Census, there were 49,740 Patels in the US.”

I myself worked with two Patels who used to answer the same question, usually from Caucasians like me, at least daily: “Are you guys related?”

Here’s how they were related: 1) They were both Indian. 2) They shared the surname Patel with 49,738 other people in the United States. 3) They hated being asked if they were related.

I first became aware of the seemingly hyperbolic commonality of the Patel name after reading a Sports Illustrated blurb reporting a professional cricket match that involved 22 players, all called Patel. I attended UConn at a time when the basketball roster included both Donny Marshall and Donyell Marshall, and I thought differentiating their jersey abbreviations was difficult enough. Can you imagine broadcasting that cricket match? “Patel bowls a bouncer to Patel, who smacks it up the middle between Patel and Patel for a crucial run.” Since I’ve obviously never played cricket I probably would have thought patel was what they called the ball.

Rajghatta’s article also theorizes that the phrase “keeping up with the Joneses,” a time-honored American phrase describing the practice of matching the financial success of one’s neighbors, might well be replaced by “keeping up with the Patels,” not only for the sheer number of Patels, but also for their economic productivity per capita.

If you do a little research – and a little research is exactly how much I did – you’ll find that the Patel surname is part of a caste system. I know enough about caste and sub-caste to know that these are not words for cricket equipment, but not much more. I understand that in India there is a social class system in which Patels are generally considered to be affluent and economically influential.

Are they influential enough to surpass the Joneses in the rat race? Depends who’s racing. Take Marion Jones, “Fastest Woman on Earth,” and Smarty Jones, winner of the 2004 Kentucky Derby and Preakness Stakes. Now those were some fast runners, and both were worth their weight in gold in their prime. Show me a Patel that could catch either one. In 1984’s Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, nobody could catch Dr. Jones in a mine cart or at the box office, including Bhasker Patel (“Temple Guard”).

Let’s be fair, though. It turns out Marion was taking horse pills, and Smarty was…well…an actual horse. And I know better than to hold up the outrageously offensive Indian characterizations of Temple of Doom as an example. I tried to cite some Indian films, but my research took me to Amisha Patel’s Web site and now I can no longer seem to focus on my article.

I recently moved to a town with a massive Indian contingent (enough to form dozens of all-Patel cricket squads) and I’m looking forward to learning more of these cultural lessons from the Indian community. When I write for CT Indian Life, I am always mindful of trying not to offend those whose culture I don’t fully understand, and I do my best to kid with care by investigating first.

When it comes to Jones vs. Patel and economic class structure, however, I happen to think my ignorance pays off, because my policy is to give the same level of initial respect to each Patel, Singh, or Zam of any caste based solely on that particular person’s merits. In other words, what class you’re in doesn’t mean anything to me unless you have class. It’s not the name that makes you what you are.

A case in point: the two Patels I mentioned earlier. Casting aside castes, one was simply a much nicer guy than the other. [Note: If you both read this article, don’t worry – you’re the nice one].