Here’s what real people I may or may not have bribed are saying about Bill Zam!

 

“The Zam sandwich is a slice-of-life or two spread liberally with sarcasm and pop culture and piled high with invective and unexpected spices. While it’s impossible to order one without cheese, each creation has a meaty message, a peppering of profanity, and a sprinkle of sentimentality. Available on white or wheat.” -Bill Zam’s three-year-old son (with help from Bill Zam)

“Bill Zam is the funniest mofo you’ve never heard of.” -Dave

“People should be required to wear a catheter when corresponding with you. You should come with a disclaimer.” -Joyce

“Everyone keeps telling me how funny you are. I tell them I’ve known you for ages and never found you particularly funny.” -Perry, included in his request to join my newsletter list

“I may not have actually peed my pants but I am crying now!” -Leslie
[Zam's Note: I am proud to fill somebody with so much pee that tears come out. I've also passed milk through many noses. If I can only make somebody bleed laughing, I'll have reached all of my goals.]

“You’re published in Connecticut newpapers? Impressive. There are a lot of smart people in Connecticut. That’s where Yale is.” -Kevin
[Zam's Note: That's why I left]

“I love reading this stuff. I laughed, I cried, I pooped. It was better than Cat’s.” -Lee
[Zam's Note: "Cat's" was written as you see it here. I can't tell whether he therefore meant I was better than Cats, the musical, or Cat's poop. Either way, high praise indeed.]

“Oh geez you’re killing me” -Paulette
[Zam's Note: I haven't heard from her since, so this may have been an actual fatality]

“Your columns are nothing but a pack of (admittedly witty and well-written) lies.” -Jeff

“i’m at work and…zamblings is far more interesting than customers’ problems and issues, so i quickly closed the page before it became far too obvious…to my superiors that i was not actually participating in work.” -A guy who is only named Sean if he doesn’t work for you
[Zam's Note: you should draw the conclusion here that billzam.com is more fun than working.]

“I am still in Iraq and I checked my e-mail to find this article waiting…you are awesome!” -Kirk
[Zam's Note: you should draw the conclusion here that billzam.com is also more fun than war.]

“I just laughed out loud at my desk and scared the girl next to me.” -Alyson

“…enjoyed the article very much, and it did, indeed, bring a tear to my eye.” -Mom
[Zam's Note: Presumably this was a "Where did I go wrong?" tear.]

“from time to time, I find the funniest people in the world [visiting my blog] — like Zam. Hys-freakin’-sterical, that guy.” -Sara Jane

“…funny without being forced…” -Cindy
[Zam's Note: I am actually being forced at gunpoint to be funny. Please send help immediately.]

“You’re a riot, Zam” -Justin
[Zam's Note: Grab the closest brick and watch the Contact page for forthcoming information on ordering Zamblings-logo riot gear.]

“A mutual friend sent me to your site and I am glad he did. You’re very funny!  I believe I met you once a long, long time ago and now I remember why I laughed upon meeting you. No, it wasn’t your looks.” -Julie

“i’ve been entertained by your blog of late. not to mean that it’s only been entertaining of late but that i’ve only been hip to it as of last month.” -Matt, writer/producer/director
[Zam's Note: I don't think the fact that he used the term "douche nozzle" in the same e-mail should challenge the credibility of the comment.]

“Love the website, that shit is funny. Nice writing, Zam! Warm Regards,” -Matt
[Zam's Note: Different Matt, same charming potty mouth.]

“[Some] stuff ultimately ends up being just silly, while yours actually has a point that gets tied up at the end. It’s funny, but also poignant. To me, that makes it more substantial.” -Matt, writer
[Zam's Note: A third, different Matt. In a recent survey by J.D. Powers Without His Associates, billzam.com ranked 439th in "Humor Web Sites Adored by Writers Named Matt."]

“I always pat myself on the back when I’ve been able to make you laugh because I have so much awe and respect for your gift of humor. If I can make BILL laugh, I MUST be funny.” -John, musician/songwriter
[Zam's Note: And, um, my brother. Shill alert!]

“I know I overuse LOL, but you seriously make me laugh ALL the time.” -Lori

“You ask the questions the rest of us are afraid to ask.” -Sean
[Zam's Note: I also answer them without consulting other people or any reputable reference materials.]

“In case I didn’t say so, your site is great. Please remember us little people when you’re nationally syndicated.” -Jeff
[Zam's Note: Jeff is a Smurf]

“I’m not yet sure what this is… but I know I like it.” -Chuck
[Zam's Note: When asked if I could quote him, Chuck replied, "Of course. Feel free to use 'Chuck' or my professional eating name, 'Biff Wellington.']

“You are a truly sick man.” -Heather

“Certainly, but why should you have to do it? Put down all your suspicions and accusations against this man on a piece of paper. Nothing could be simpler than to send your statement to the proper authorities and if, as you suspect, the man is a criminal, it will come to light soon enough. But on one condition–don’t over-exert your mind and try to think a bit less about Pontius Pilate. If you harp on that story I don’t think many people are going to believe you.’ ‘Right you are! ‘ announced Ivan firmly. ‘ Please give me pen and paper.’ ‘Give him some paper and a short pencil,’ said Stravinsky to the fat woman, then turning to Ivan : ‘ But I don’t advise you to start writing today.’ ‘No, no, today! I must do it today! ‘ cried Ivan excitedly. ‘All right. Only don’t overtax your brain. If you don’t get it quite right today, tomorrow will do.’ ‘But he’ll get away! ‘ ‘Oh no,’ countered Stravinsky. ‘ I assure you he’s not going to get away. And remember–we are here to help you in every way we can and unless ijlplpli lo j mlp l flllmml lrli h g m imtmu sdjksdfsdfsdlgkj sdflkjsdf lksdjfsdfsdf” -Actual first e-mail to feedback@billzam.com